It's amazing how fear can consume you

If you are too confident in yourself, often times, people think you are tooting your own horn to the point of conceitedness. I personally have never thought this way, and I've been told on more than one occasion that I have a visionary line of thinking (that's other people's words..not mine). Looking back into my college years, I studied artists that were geniuses, but never thought of themselves as anything greater than scum. So how do you KNOW that you are one of those people that were made to move mountains? Do you move them on purpose, or do you just go about your life and "happen"to move them.

I miss having confidence in certain areas of my life. I used to have it in my personal life and not in my academic. I finally gained confidence with my school work enough to know I will finish, but now I am completely scared to get near anyone. Friendships are ok, I have no problem there, but the idea of getting close to anyone at this point, after all the stuff I've endured this year, it's just not something that I'm willing to do anymore.

I feel as if my heart has been broken so many times, that I really don't have anything left to give, and frankly, the dating scene is scary. You don't know who has what, you can trust their judgement, but how do you really know that they are going to protect themselves? You don't, and until you instill that trust, you won't...and sometimes...even that doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure the guy I had been seeing is not going to want to see me again, and that hurts, but at the same time...I'm ok with it, because I really don't think I have any confidence anymore, not in this.

I can't wait until I'm done with school, so I can truly get my feelings out, the way I know how to. I feel that's the majority of the reason why I write on these blogs, because I don't have another outlet at this time. That will change, starting December 19th.

At this point, it's more important for me to advance myself professionally, and make sure that I am able to obtain my goals over the next few years. Love, or even the potential for love is going to take a back seat, or maybe even be shoved in the trunk, because frankly, every time I get close to it, I feel like breaking down. I can't even look at a member of the opposite gender that I may be attracted to without feeling nervous and full of fear. It's not worth it for me to feel this way. I'd rather be lonely.