It's amazing how fear can consume you

If you are too confident in yourself, often times, people think you are tooting your own horn to the point of conceitedness. I personally have never thought this way, and I've been told on more than one occasion that I have a visionary line of thinking (that's other people's words..not mine). Looking back into my college years, I studied artists that were geniuses, but never thought of themselves as anything greater than scum. So how do you KNOW that you are one of those people that were made to move mountains? Do you move them on purpose, or do you just go about your life and "happen"to move them.

I miss having confidence in certain areas of my life. I used to have it in my personal life and not in my academic. I finally gained confidence with my school work enough to know I will finish, but now I am completely scared to get near anyone. Friendships are ok, I have no problem there, but the idea of getting close to anyone at this point, after all the stuff I've endured this year, it's just not something that I'm willing to do anymore.

I feel as if my heart has been broken so many times, that I really don't have anything left to give, and frankly, the dating scene is scary. You don't know who has what, you can trust their judgement, but how do you really know that they are going to protect themselves? You don't, and until you instill that trust, you won't...and sometimes...even that doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure the guy I had been seeing is not going to want to see me again, and that hurts, but at the same time...I'm ok with it, because I really don't think I have any confidence anymore, not in this.

I can't wait until I'm done with school, so I can truly get my feelings out, the way I know how to. I feel that's the majority of the reason why I write on these blogs, because I don't have another outlet at this time. That will change, starting December 19th.

At this point, it's more important for me to advance myself professionally, and make sure that I am able to obtain my goals over the next few years. Love, or even the potential for love is going to take a back seat, or maybe even be shoved in the trunk, because frankly, every time I get close to it, I feel like breaking down. I can't even look at a member of the opposite gender that I may be attracted to without feeling nervous and full of fear. It's not worth it for me to feel this way. I'd rather be lonely.

What It Feels Like To Be Broken

I should be reading one of four books that I need to finish in the next few days, but my thoughts, once again have gotten away from me. Call me a romantic, but I can't help but be completely blindsighted from all things important in my life, by this lack of relationship problem that I have had. What seems different this time, is that I find myself at a complete standstill. I am lonely and sad at the end of the day, yet somewhat comfortable in my own selfish lifestyle. The reason I feel this way, is because anytime I find a guy that feels anything more than indifference towards meeting me, I become instantly uninterested. I am not sure why that is...but it's definitely not to the fault of the guy. They are quality guys that I generally would otherwise find attractive. I'm kind of a mess in this department.

The best way to describe it is broken. My whole life, I've been the dreamer of romance, and lately it just feels different. When I see someone attracted to me, I grow tired really quickly, because the first thing I think is how much work I'd put into it, only for it to be thrown in my face months later. The moment I feel this way, it makes me sad, and I end up going home just as confused as I'm sure the person on the other end probably feels.

IT just doesn't make sense, but this is who I am. I'm tired..

I don't know if it's a certain person that will snap me out of it, or if I just have to move forward with my life. All I know, is that I don't want to do it anymore. And no...I don't know why.

So this guy talked to me on OKC.....

I have nothing to say beyond the text of the actual IM conversation that went on. I thought it was hilarious and I wanted to show you guys what he said:

JoeStLouis:If I told you I was God would you pray to me?

JoeStLouis:Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!

AngBird:say yes to what?

JoeStLouis:No idea. You're the first person I've tried that BS on

AngBird:wow... lol that was actually kinda funny

JoeStLouis:Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

AngBird:wow.... clearly someone has put WAYYYYY too much thought into this

AngBird:mad props on the originality and the extremely drawn out story

AngBird:but no thanks...

JoeStLouis:linesthataregood.com

AngBird:I hope it works on someone for you though..that was quite humorous.

JoeStLouis:copy paste....duh