Changing...slowly

I don't claim to be the expert on relationships, in fact...I probably could learn a lot.  I went to my therapist today, and despite the fact that I've been sad, lonely, and depressed about this whole thing with Drew, I feel like I made progress in my session and still had 15 minutes to talk about television with her.

I have to stop seeing Drew as a possibility.  He's not stable, he doesn't have the capacity to love me, and I need to move forward.  I don't know if I'll be able to ever completely get over him, but my therapist was right; I have to make a choice.  Either I have to cut him out of my life completely, or I need to befriend him, knowing that he doesn't have the ability for anything more than that, no matter what his actions may seem to show.  He's not me, he doesn't think like me, it may seem that he is showing affection when he's just being friendly.  This is the biggest realization I think I have had to come to terms with, and I don't think I'm completely there yet.

Don't worry, I'll get there.

I find myself taking his thoughts personal, as if I'm not good enough.  She says I need to stop thinking of myself in that light.  I'm not sure if I really can.  I don't have the room to cry anymore...It's almost as if I'm numb.

I feel like I'm almost there, I just need to come to terms with this....

love is a bitter thing

I've been holding in tears all day.  I used to feel completely numb from the pain that you caused me, but ever since I started talking to someone nonbiased about the situation we went through last year, I have opened that wound and now have started to bleed that pain out of my system.  It will take awhile to get over you, but I really want to get passed this.  It's not easy looking at you and thinking that you'll never care about me the way you did originally.  You say you have this complex for saving people.  Is that why we didn't last as long as the others you've dated?  You said I am stronger than you are....why can't you be stronger?  Why can't you do what you need to do to get better so we can be together?  These are the questions I have always wanted to ask you, but will never do so...because it's not worth the months of awkwardness.  I don't see you as much as I'd hope to as it is. The last thing I need is to not be able to see you at all.

You were the one who was there for me the most last year.  I can't seem to get that out of my mind.  You were the only one who spent the whole day with me on graduation day.  You spent more time with me than my family, and all of my friends.  You are my best friend, and you are the person I love more than anyone else.  I don't know how to get over you.

I can't stay focussed completely, without you entering my mind.  Even when I am able to forget, you end up in my thoughts, in my dreams, when I least expect it...and then I'm sucked in all over again.

When am I going to be free from you?! Please...stop making me think you are the only one for me.  It's making moving on very difficult.

Tears, in the medium of Poetry

This needed to come out sometime....I decided today was a good day.  Forgive me...it's not very good....I've not written in forever.  Also, don't try to figure them out...It's whatever comes in my head first.

Confessions in tears

I thought I had everything figured out

Before I met you, I had a life, a goal

A lover, a dream...

And when we were over, 

I played you off as an obvious mistake;

A fluke.

You were not a fluke. 

The truth is, you mean so much.

Often, when my head hits the pillow

You're the last person I think of,

And the first person I recognize in my dreams.

I wish I could tell you how much I love you still

Don't worry, I won't. 

For the result would just be... awkward.

When  I do get weak, I blame it on friendship

I love you, implied as if you're supposed to be some brother. 

It's in those moments, that I'm screaming inside. 

I've not been the nicest person to you lately.

This whole situation between us

Feels easier when I push you away,

When I have a reason to hate you, 

I want to hate you.

Often I close my eyes at night, and go back to before

I pray that I will wake up, and everything will be different.

I pray that I won't feel this pain anymore,

And that looking at you won't make me either want to hit you

or kiss you.

I don't think we're over one another, 

No matter how many times we say we are.

We agree that there is no point.

But that thought is compromised when you kiss me.

Or every time I notice your jealousy, my jealousy...

After all this time, we're both still on the same page; Stuck.

Are we really stuck? 

Do we have to be the people we set out to be?

I never thought I'd be the person I am today. 

Never, did I expect to go through the things we've been through this year

Despite our tribulations, 

We are still talking to one another; Amazing.

When others would have failed.

After all the mistakes, all the pain, and the choices

We both had to live with.

We still find positive things to see in one another 

Our mistakes defined us, 

And despite everything, you never judged me.

What did I give in return? 

I was a bitch.

I have to confess, I was never mad at you

I love you, always have.

Despite everything, you still mean everything

And probably always will... 

It's amazing how fear can consume you

If you are too confident in yourself, often times, people think you are tooting your own horn to the point of conceitedness. I personally have never thought this way, and I've been told on more than one occasion that I have a visionary line of thinking (that's other people's words..not mine). Looking back into my college years, I studied artists that were geniuses, but never thought of themselves as anything greater than scum. So how do you KNOW that you are one of those people that were made to move mountains? Do you move them on purpose, or do you just go about your life and "happen"to move them.

I miss having confidence in certain areas of my life. I used to have it in my personal life and not in my academic. I finally gained confidence with my school work enough to know I will finish, but now I am completely scared to get near anyone. Friendships are ok, I have no problem there, but the idea of getting close to anyone at this point, after all the stuff I've endured this year, it's just not something that I'm willing to do anymore.

I feel as if my heart has been broken so many times, that I really don't have anything left to give, and frankly, the dating scene is scary. You don't know who has what, you can trust their judgement, but how do you really know that they are going to protect themselves? You don't, and until you instill that trust, you won't...and sometimes...even that doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure the guy I had been seeing is not going to want to see me again, and that hurts, but at the same time...I'm ok with it, because I really don't think I have any confidence anymore, not in this.

I can't wait until I'm done with school, so I can truly get my feelings out, the way I know how to. I feel that's the majority of the reason why I write on these blogs, because I don't have another outlet at this time. That will change, starting December 19th.

At this point, it's more important for me to advance myself professionally, and make sure that I am able to obtain my goals over the next few years. Love, or even the potential for love is going to take a back seat, or maybe even be shoved in the trunk, because frankly, every time I get close to it, I feel like breaking down. I can't even look at a member of the opposite gender that I may be attracted to without feeling nervous and full of fear. It's not worth it for me to feel this way. I'd rather be lonely.

Sex Offenders are a Societal Problem Too

I should be writing a paper that is due tomorrow, but I can't seem to get this off of my mind. I am a very faithful person. I agree and live by the words that Ann Frank wrote, "Despite Everything, I believe that people are really good at heart." She was wise, at a young age. When I read that book, it reminded me very much of the way I used to think as a child. I think adults get caught up in right and wrong so much, that they forget, that every adult was once an innocent child. Some innocent children are robbed, by other children, adults, family, friends, of their innocence, and they are not reassured correctly the way they need to be at a young age, and that's what leads to terrible actions as adults. The circle keeps going, and the cycle starts over and over again, until something is done to break that pattern.

I don't believe, as a society, we are doing enough to break the cycle of abuse, neglect, and sexual assault. We lock these people up, and tell them they are a shame on society and must live with the label of sex offender for the rest of their life, but is that really going to change anything? It's not going to help them, it may not even necessarily keep them from abusing children. We've all seen the case where Jaycee Dugard was locked up nearly her entire child life, and was forced to have sex, all in the back yard of a sex offender's registered house.

The news pains me, the stories pain me, but what pains me more, is when I don't see answers to my questions. How do we get back to the inherently good side of those people? When do we decide that those people deserve to get help?

I understand, protect the children, we've done that. We have a good system for protecting those children, and getting help for them. But there are always children that get sidetracked. Children that don't get the help, and then they become these adults. These adults are acting out in the form of repression. They are acting out as if they were children, and we need to attack that, not the person itself. We need to make sure that those people, are healthy, or as healthy as they can be.

Never in my life did I think I would ever positively associate myself with anyone that was a true sex offender (and not just those that ended up in unfortunate circumstances like peeing on the sidewalk), but after 25 years of feeling completely separated from that world, I have looked back into the last 11 years of my life, and realized that I was around it all the time.

A director that I had for 6 years (briefly as an intern in junior high, and four years in high school), was charged last year, my coworker was charged the semester before I graduated college, a college classmate I knew very well, but wasn't in my close circle of friends wasn't charged, but accused earlier this year, and just a month ago, one of my very best friends in college, the first guy I ever met, the reason why I know my best friend-Sheila-- of 7 years, was charged with over 100 counts dating as early as 2005.

I saw good in all of these people, but knowing what I know about some of them, I understand why they could have lead down to the path that they did. I am lucky that I had a mother that was willing to tell me right from wrong; not everyone has that privilege.

I think it's at the fault of these people what they have done to those poor children, but it is at the fault of society that they don't prevent the cycle from happening again. There is no excuse for it. These are people as much as anyone else, and now every time I think back to my "care free college years" all I think of, is sadness.

Growing up sucks... #justsayin

What are you thankful for? --A Thanksgiving Post--

Every year at this time I am usually extremely busy with school, thanks to all of my professors, but I take time out at Thanksgiving to appreciate all of the things I have obtained/maintained over the last year. This post will serve as my list this year.


I am thankful for having some of the best group of friends in the entire world. When I needed you, you were there for me, and as I made the transition from dependent in the county to independent in the city, you were there to make me feel at home.


Neale, thank you for letting me into your home, and allowing me to get up on my feet again. I truly believe that I wouldn't be where I am today, if it wasn't for the kindness and patience you gave by letting me live in your home.


I have had a rough year, with ups and downs. I want to thank those friends who were always there to lend a shoulder for me to cry on. This includes Mike T,Caitlin, Drew, Ellie, Meredeth, Dave, Don, Sharon, and Todd. You are mostly friends that I didn't really have before this year, yet I don't think now that I do have you, can live without. I am especially thankful for Andrew, you have grown to be one of my very best friends in St. Louis, and I don't know what I would do without you here. I've not quite met anyone like you, and I think you are what I needed to get through the last few months. Thank you.


Thank you to those friends who always invited me out, made me feel welcome when I moved to South St. Louis City. Those include Rene, Tony B, Sarah, Rachael, Kyle, Mike B, Robin, Scott, Tristan, Clay, Cliff, Nick, and my whole Crew at The Luna Lounge! Especially you, Jason. You've definitely been someone that I was glad to have met. I don't know yet how I will thank you for putting together such a great party for my graduation!


I am thankful that I am not homeless, that I was able to finally get a decent job, that I truly value. I am thankful that when I get up everyday, I am making a difference in the world. I am thankful that I have a car, and enough money in the bank to satisfy my need for woot shirts.


I am thankful that I am still in touch with some wonderful friends from my past, who I continue to speak to through facebook, twitter, and phone conversations. These include but are not limited to Sheila in Texas, Ryan in Minnesota, Matt Borger in Oklahoma, and Bethany in South Korea.


I am thankful for all of the wonderful ideas you all give me, the ways you push me, and the love that you have shown over the last year.


I am thankful for my siblings, Linda, Melissa, and Matthew, and my brother-in-law Jimmy. They have really been supportive for me and everything I am trying to accomplish.


I am thankful that I was raised by two of the greatest parents in the world. They weren't perfect, but they definitely showed they loved me, and still do. I am thankful for my Mother and Kellene, they are the best cheerleaders that I could have, yet they tell me what's real when I need it. I am thankful for Dad, even though you've been gone for two years, I still find things that I do, think, feel, that I know you gave me. I have held onto these ideas, feelings, thoughts, and have stored them and forgot about some of them until recently. Every time I debate with someone, watch a debate, discuss politics, or even go to work for my federal agency, I think of what you've told me. You live on in me, and I truly thank you for that gift.


I am thankful for my nephews and my niece, because they remind me to stay as innocent as I possibly can. When I am around them, I feel young and carefree, yet I feel older like a mature role model that I need to represent for them. They keep me centered in that way.


I am thankful for Chloe, because she's the most awesomely intelligent and loving dog.


I am thankful that I don't have to worry when I get sick anymore. That I have insurance and can just go to the doctor when I have something seriously wrong with me. I am thankful that I don't have to be scared every time I get a cold, that it's going to turn into pneumonia, because I couldn't afford to get medication to combat my asthma with.


Last, but not least. I am thankful that finally, at 25...I feel like I've come into my own. I'm graduating (hopefully) in three weeks, and I will be a full fledged working adult, with half of a plan, and whole determination to begin accomplishing my long term goals.


I love everyone who has come into my life and made it interesting. You all are truly cherished.


Feel free to write what you are thankful for in the comments section below!

How many wrongs will really make a right?!

Two boyfriends ago, I thought I had lost my edge, so a good friend of mine decided to suggest the book It's called a Break-Up because It's Broken by the Greg Behrendt, the same author as "He's Just Not That Into You". When going to the bookstore (mind you at this point there was snow on the ground and ice on the roads, but I was desperate, I needed SOMETHING to get me through this hard time), I noticed another book sitting on the shelf called The Between Boyfriends Book by Cindy Chupack. You may or may not recognize the author's name, but everyone recognizes the famous show about dating that she was the writer/executive producer for, Sex In The City. I figured this was something that would cheer me up if it didn't give me constructive advice.

Skip forward nine months later and here I am, coming home from one of the most amazing dates I think I've been on, and I think of this book. I became curious. When I got home from work/school, I went to my bookshelf and pulled out the pink book with the picture of empty Chinese food containers and fortunes unwrapped reading "you have bad taste in men" and "He's not going to call". I quickly skipped forward to the chapter eighteen in the section called "Dating Up A Storm". The Chapter is called Seventeen dates, basically giving the impression that after a break-up, it takes approximately 17 bad dates before enduring one good date.

The author clarifies that bad doesn't mean you didn't have a good time, but that for whatever reason, the date isn't what you are looking for. Likewise she never truly states this, but judging by the way she describes each date, that it doesn't have to be a well defined date, but rather an in person experience with a member of the opposite sex (in a more than friendship way), for the intension of something more.

The reason why I thought after nine months not just of this book but of this specific chapter in the middle of my shift at work today, is because I realized that as funny as this woman truly was when I was reading it, there is some truth to her wisdom.

My most recent ex and I broke up last June, and since then, I have had some pretty interesting dating experiences which I will tabulate at this point. I am going to try and put these in the order in which they happened, however I will NOT be perfect in this, considering that it has been five months and I haven't really kept tabs officially.

Date #1 - British Sheldon was a tall cute British guy that I went to the roller derby with. He described himself as "the British Sheldon" or at least he said his work buddies described him as that. If you don't know what that is in reference to, there is a prime time television show called "The Big Bang Theory" that basically describes a bunch of ultra science nerds, and Sheldon is the staple of the show that basically is socially awkward, and extremely literal to the point where he doesn't understand sarcasm at the most obvious points. This guy's colleagues couldn't have been more correct. No thanks.

Date #2 - Double Date w/o the other guy I ended up meeting date number two at the Coffee Cartel one night when I was doing homework. It wasn't on purpose, but we had been talking on OkCupid for a little bit, and he had nothing to do that night. He came up, we had a good time talking, and ended up kissing later. I don't consider it a "real" date because my good friend @thetristan came up to visit me that night as well and actually met the guy, but it was no big deal. I was interested, but only to a point. He seemed timid, which isn't what I need.

Date #3 & 4 - Simulation of Sorts Dates 3 & 4First was a nice Bosnian restaurant in South City, and second was dinner at a BBQ place with a movie both in Des Peres, MO. I liked this guy a lot, and I call this experience the "Simulation of Sorts" for more than one reason, however mostly because he seemed to "simulate" most of what I was looking for, but lacked the confidence in himself to bring that part to the surface. Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking the guy, he's actually someone I would consider a good friend at this point. I just feel like the timing was off is all.

Date # 5 and #5.5 - The British are Coming...Again This would actually be 5 and 6 had he not stood me up the first time around, so for this sake I will consider it 5 and .5 so 5.5. He had to go to the hospital because his friend had to be taken to the emergency room due to a stroke. (.5) Then a few weeks later, he decided to invite me to his apartment to watch a movie (1)... I realized quickly that he was definitely not a guy looking for the same things I was.

Date # 6 - Luna Tweep - The ones who went to the #STLladiestweetup remember this guy. He seemed nice, but really didn't follow up with anything that he seemed to vibe out that night. Like...calling a girl back. Yeah next...

Date #6.5 - Happy Birthday to Me - This is a perfect EX of how friends can really make bad decisions go a long way. This is counted as (.5) because there was no advancement to moving on with this.

Date #7 & #8 - Laundry? A date with a guy doing laundry. I count this as two dates, because we weren't planning on doing more than just the meet up for laundry (I saw it in a movie),but we ended up grabbing a burger afterwards and having a good time talking. Talked to him a few times on the phone, but life got busy.

Date #8.5 and #9.75 -More EXamples of what I shouldn't keep doing to myself. I know. I know...

Date #10 - Great Expectations of Conversations - Another encounter with Laundry guy, and the last time I will ever see him. We talked after that night, but after a few conversations over the phone, I realized he wasn't the right guy for me. Too much of a complicated, sketchy background for me.

Date #10.5 - I am not even going to go there again. I'm in my twenties...I'm allowed to make these mistakes.

Date #11 & 12 - Comb Over - The guy was trying way too hard, and frankly wasn't giving me good impressions. He seemed very nervous in all the wrong ways, and yet at the same time had these "bad boy" tendencies that kinda urked me. We went to dinner and then drinks afterwards. I would have ended it at dinner, but frankly, the dinner was so quick that I didn't really have an "out" without looking like a bitch.

Date #13 & 14 - System Administrator - Nice guy, very humble and sweet. Met him that night, had a very great conversation, met again the next day for coffee, great intentions again. Ended up becoming friends, I suppose because he never really asked me out for a "real" date.

Date #14.5 - Ex from 9 months ago, that I bought the books over. We went to dinner, he paid. I wasn't going to count this, but given recent talks I have had with him, I'm thinking I should for at least half.

Date #15 - Sometimes a Soldier, Always a jerk This wasn't that long ago. He was nice, and charismatic, but your regular, run of the mill douchebag with a need for sex in his mind.

Date # 16 & 17 - Multifaceted Geek - by far and large the one guy I've met over the last 9 months that has reminded me most of the guy I dated two Ex's ago. He takes it a step further with his talk of philosophy and politics, mixed with his archon and computer science/gaming background, and then takes it a half step back with his shyness. Whatever he lacks in outgoingness he makes up with great conversations and extremely good, humble intentions. I will be going on a second date with this guy, and definitely think there could be something real there. We started out at a Mexican restaurant and then went out for drinks afterwards. It made for a very interesting and intellectually stimulating 5 hour date... or rather two dates.

I don't know if the Multifaceted Geek is the one for me or not. That wasn't the author's point. Her point was that it takes around 17 "dates" to reach dates that you think are substantial and COULD go somewhere. It's nice to know that after a real life accidental experiment...she was right.

My Dating Profile

I don't normally write two blog posts in one day, or even in one week..but I have decided that I might gut my OkCupid profile completely and start over. Before I do that, I wanted to make sure I had a back up, for your enjoyment, Here it is.

My Self-Summary

Unlike most in their mid twenties, I have a good grasp on my emotions, my wants/desires, and my fears about life. I know where I'm going, as well as where I've been, and I never like to make the same mistake twice. I'm confident in knowing what I want to do with my life, but I still wonder how exactly my plans will all pan out. In the past year or two I have had to especially learn the lesson that my plans may not always become what I think of them in the beginning, and I must learn to adjust to every major change in life. A wise person once told me that, "Life is what happens while you're busy making plans". I definitely think that's one of the hardest realizations I have struggled with in my adult life.

I can be girly from time to time, but I tend to be most comfortable as the fun tomboy. I believe I am passed that extreme party stage in my life, though I can be known to be the life of one from time to time. I'm a natural socialite, carry myself well at get-togethers and do expect the person I end up meeting to be able to handle himself in a similar situation. I am a natural flirt with just about any guy I am friends with, but the one I'll be interested in will make me shy enough not to flirt at all. Also, it takes a little creativity in the romance department to be with me. I don't expect fancy dinners or flowers, but those aren't the only ways to be romantic. Romance is about being thoughtful. Show that you put THOUGHT and a good effort into the situation, and it will go a long way. I promise.

I am Intelligent, Independent, and Witty

What I’m doing with my life

I am studying Public Policy Administration (emphasis in Local Government Administration) at University of Missouri St. Louis and will be graduating with my Master's in December of this year. Between switching fields, unemployment, and the economy in general, the last few years have been not the easiest for me, but I have fought through, and with help from some wonderful people in my life, I have prevailed above some difficult burdens, shadows, and obstacles. My last obstacle is really, myself. I try to stay focussed and positive, but it's not always easy. The economy hit me hard, and it looks like 2010 will be the year I will pick myself up again.

Eventually, I would like to obtain certifications in Geographical Information Systems, A+, Net+, and maybe even MCSE Security, of course this is years down the road.

I’m really good at

Drawing. I could draw my way out of a paper box, and then draw the box. Wait, I guess I'd have to draw the box first... Truth and be told, art was my first passion in life. I have been drawing since I learned to pick up a pencil. I used to draw all over my dad's legal pads as a kid (that frustrated the hell out of him!). I have a degree in art (B.A. - emphasis in graphic design), however after four years of a bootcamp style art program (break your spirits and then build you back up), I decided to keep my love for art strictly in the passionate hobby category rather than a career focus.

Music. I have been playing musical instruments since I was 8 years old. Piccolo, Flute, & Baritone are my instruments of choice. I would love to learn guitar one day, mainly because I have sets of lyrics that I wrote a LONG time ago that I would like to write music to.

Computers/Technology. One thing I find I am inclined in is technology. I thrive to learn and grow with it. I've built computers for friends, family, and my giant baby of a computer that I'm using to type this. As well, I have worked in the IT industry off and on for the last 6 years with doing a little consultant work in-between jobs.

Politics. I am a good public speaker, public servant, and negotiator. I am passionate about debating on real issues (not just the ones you hear on the daily show), and have channeled that passion of politics towards a rewarding career in public service. I am great with explaining things in a way where others will sit and listen, understand, and may even compromise a progressive result.

Writing. Poetry & Lyrics mostly. I have four books full of 'em. I tend to write less when I'm happy, though it does happen on occasion. It's more of a release, or a therapy for me than it is a passion or art form. I've used writing to get through some of the hardest times in my life.

Companionship. I have been the best of friends to many, and the lover of a few, and I really feel that the most important thing in life is for people to truly understand one another. Any decision made in life, with communication and a clear understanding of both sides can be simplified and transformed into a situation that though may not be ideal, could certainly be at the very least tolerated, maybe even enjoyed. Beyond that, it's just cake.

The first things people usually notice about me

My exceptionally strong presence. I have this ability to be very forward, yet very modest at the same time. I'm very tactful yet honest. They notice that I'm a funny character, but I don't point at others as a means for amusement. I'm true to my word even when I don't want to be (if I say I'll be there, I'll be there, even if I'm late...which I usually am). I think everyone deserves to be loved, therefore, I love...everyone.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

Books: Anything by Ken Follett (Esp. Jack Dawes),beyond that, I love biographies. I have read Bill Clinton's "My Life", "Official Book Club Selection" by Kathy Griffin, as well as a plethora of others. As well, I do like politically oriented books, however I tend to read less of those now a days because text books get in the way so much.

Movies: Spaceballs, Office Space, When Harry Met Sally, The Princess Bride, Men In Tights, The Boondock Saints, Slumdog Millionaire, An Education, etc. My list is huge

Television Shows: Lost, Human Target, Bones, 24, How I Met Your Mother, V, Flash Forward, Gray's Anatomy, Big Bang Theory, Futurama, Simpsons, Brothers & Sisters, Fringe,Castle, The Mentalist, The Daily Show, and I could use a littleCSPAN or BBC as well.

Music: I like everything from pop to country, to hiphop tojazz, classical to alternative rock, and every which way between. The only music I can't stand is bluegrass.

Food: Chinese or Mexican.

The six things I could never do without

In no particular order...

My family - because they are my rock.

My closest of friends - because they see me the way I am, and accept me for who I try to be everyday. They're the best friends I could ever ask for.

My mind - because I've worked too hard for the education I've gotten, and I'm addicted to gaining more knowledge as my life progresses.

My hands - because everything I love to do the most requires them e.g. video games, playing my instruments, drawing, writing poetry, building computers, driving manual transmission cars, etc.

My heart - because I am a romantic, a hopeless, loving romantic. As well, I tend to care for everyone who is in my life for any reason at all. I care for people, because they are there, because they are living their life, doing the VERY best they can. I truly believe that everyone deserves to be loved like this.

My computer - I don't really NEED this... but if I have to pick a sixth thing, I'm going into actual "things" and my computer would be the first personal item I would save. I built her myself. She's my baby, and I swear she has a personality.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

(1.) My purpose in life, how I will obtain my goals, my dreams, and my wishes of this life. I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking of how I will grasp the next chapter of my life when I graduate in December, and how I will break my way into local government. I do a lot of planning mentally towards my career, and my aspirations, which I think is definitely needed, but at the same time...too much planning can always lead to unexpected results that can throw me off.

(2.) When I am not thinking about my career, I spend time thinking of the person I want to be with, the life I want to have with them, and wondering who the heck that person is... The truth is, it doesn't take me long to (a.) See the good in people and (b.) Fall in love with that good that I see. I am a hopeless romantic, and though I truly feel that I have loved every person at the time I was with them, the emotion of true love has only come around once in my life, if not twice.

I am not sure if I am just picky in a matter of who I want, or if what I want is just hard to find...or both. I often wonder if I should change my ideas of love and romanticism to fit a more realistic perspective, but every time I think about that it makes me cringe. I feel as if my expectations are not unreasonable.

I'm almost certain that if I have met this person, I'm pretty much clueless he exists to me in that way... or maybe I just haven't met him. It's more about a timing issue than anything, which I believe is the hardest part about dating, and searching for that one person to be with forever.

(3.) I think about where I will be five years from now, because the past five have been a roller coaster I could never expected to have ridden. I am a completely different person than I was at 20, and I believe the same will happen when I'm 30. It's funny, because 10 years is really not that long of a time period when you're comparing it to the course of one's life, but it sure does make a huge difference.

(4.) I think also, a lot, about my father. Who even though has passed... still lives on in me, and every one of my siblings. There is not a day that goes by, that I don't miss him.

On a typical Friday night I am

Working or doing homework are the most common practices, however if I have less to do that week (or I feel like procrastinating a day or two), I may be out with friends, playing a video game, or cuddling with myself in front of a tv watching a good movie.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

I'm independent and tough, but I'm sensitive. I have a wall, a thick wall, because I've been hurt too many times, and has made my heart fragile. In the past, some (though not all) have taken my toughness for granted and thought I wouldn't be as sensitive as I am. There's a distinct difference between sensitivity and weakness.

I’m looking for

• Guys who like girls
• Ages 23-35
• Near me
• Who are single
• For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating, long-distance penpals

You should message me if

You would want to find a future with a woman who wants kids, but realize that now is not the right time.

If you understand the need for a political interest in order to protect even the most minuscule of freedoms.

If you have the ability to set any jealous thoughts or insecurities aside, to let your female counterpart be independent, yet miss them enough to do nice things for them.

If you enjoy intelligent conversations and not just partying all the time (but still have a carefree ability to party sometimes).

If you are smart, independent, hireable (meaning you have qualities that will allow you to get a job if you should need one), mature, and if you do not have any major baggage (e.g. JUST got divorced, are still married and getting a divorce, etc.).

As well, you must be honest, and forthcoming with your thoughts, fears, opinions, ideas, and basically anything. I tell everything like it is, and in return I would rather hear the honest truth, whatever that may entail. I'm a big girl, I can handle it.
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I will add one more bit in order for you all to know a little more clearly what I am looking for:

I'm a very driven, multifaceted individual. I am into getting started with my life, and I won't pause for anyone. It'd be nice to find someone who can both keep up with me, yet not stand in my way. Someone who is driven, yet can show me to live a little, and maybe relax. Someone who can motivate me to be a better person, yet someone I can teach a few things about life to. And last but not least, I want someone I can have an intelligent conversation with. Preferably someone with a decent vocabulary, and a good grasp on politics. I don't care WHAT your opinion is, just that you have one.