What are you thankful for? --A Thanksgiving Post--

Every year at this time I am usually extremely busy with school, thanks to all of my professors, but I take time out at Thanksgiving to appreciate all of the things I have obtained/maintained over the last year. This post will serve as my list this year.


I am thankful for having some of the best group of friends in the entire world. When I needed you, you were there for me, and as I made the transition from dependent in the county to independent in the city, you were there to make me feel at home.


Neale, thank you for letting me into your home, and allowing me to get up on my feet again. I truly believe that I wouldn't be where I am today, if it wasn't for the kindness and patience you gave by letting me live in your home.


I have had a rough year, with ups and downs. I want to thank those friends who were always there to lend a shoulder for me to cry on. This includes Mike T,Caitlin, Drew, Ellie, Meredeth, Dave, Don, Sharon, and Todd. You are mostly friends that I didn't really have before this year, yet I don't think now that I do have you, can live without. I am especially thankful for Andrew, you have grown to be one of my very best friends in St. Louis, and I don't know what I would do without you here. I've not quite met anyone like you, and I think you are what I needed to get through the last few months. Thank you.


Thank you to those friends who always invited me out, made me feel welcome when I moved to South St. Louis City. Those include Rene, Tony B, Sarah, Rachael, Kyle, Mike B, Robin, Scott, Tristan, Clay, Cliff, Nick, and my whole Crew at The Luna Lounge! Especially you, Jason. You've definitely been someone that I was glad to have met. I don't know yet how I will thank you for putting together such a great party for my graduation!


I am thankful that I am not homeless, that I was able to finally get a decent job, that I truly value. I am thankful that when I get up everyday, I am making a difference in the world. I am thankful that I have a car, and enough money in the bank to satisfy my need for woot shirts.


I am thankful that I am still in touch with some wonderful friends from my past, who I continue to speak to through facebook, twitter, and phone conversations. These include but are not limited to Sheila in Texas, Ryan in Minnesota, Matt Borger in Oklahoma, and Bethany in South Korea.


I am thankful for all of the wonderful ideas you all give me, the ways you push me, and the love that you have shown over the last year.


I am thankful for my siblings, Linda, Melissa, and Matthew, and my brother-in-law Jimmy. They have really been supportive for me and everything I am trying to accomplish.


I am thankful that I was raised by two of the greatest parents in the world. They weren't perfect, but they definitely showed they loved me, and still do. I am thankful for my Mother and Kellene, they are the best cheerleaders that I could have, yet they tell me what's real when I need it. I am thankful for Dad, even though you've been gone for two years, I still find things that I do, think, feel, that I know you gave me. I have held onto these ideas, feelings, thoughts, and have stored them and forgot about some of them until recently. Every time I debate with someone, watch a debate, discuss politics, or even go to work for my federal agency, I think of what you've told me. You live on in me, and I truly thank you for that gift.


I am thankful for my nephews and my niece, because they remind me to stay as innocent as I possibly can. When I am around them, I feel young and carefree, yet I feel older like a mature role model that I need to represent for them. They keep me centered in that way.


I am thankful for Chloe, because she's the most awesomely intelligent and loving dog.


I am thankful that I don't have to worry when I get sick anymore. That I have insurance and can just go to the doctor when I have something seriously wrong with me. I am thankful that I don't have to be scared every time I get a cold, that it's going to turn into pneumonia, because I couldn't afford to get medication to combat my asthma with.


Last, but not least. I am thankful that finally, at 25...I feel like I've come into my own. I'm graduating (hopefully) in three weeks, and I will be a full fledged working adult, with half of a plan, and whole determination to begin accomplishing my long term goals.


I love everyone who has come into my life and made it interesting. You all are truly cherished.


Feel free to write what you are thankful for in the comments section below!

What It Feels Like To Be Broken

I should be reading one of four books that I need to finish in the next few days, but my thoughts, once again have gotten away from me. Call me a romantic, but I can't help but be completely blindsighted from all things important in my life, by this lack of relationship problem that I have had. What seems different this time, is that I find myself at a complete standstill. I am lonely and sad at the end of the day, yet somewhat comfortable in my own selfish lifestyle. The reason I feel this way, is because anytime I find a guy that feels anything more than indifference towards meeting me, I become instantly uninterested. I am not sure why that is...but it's definitely not to the fault of the guy. They are quality guys that I generally would otherwise find attractive. I'm kind of a mess in this department.

The best way to describe it is broken. My whole life, I've been the dreamer of romance, and lately it just feels different. When I see someone attracted to me, I grow tired really quickly, because the first thing I think is how much work I'd put into it, only for it to be thrown in my face months later. The moment I feel this way, it makes me sad, and I end up going home just as confused as I'm sure the person on the other end probably feels.

IT just doesn't make sense, but this is who I am. I'm tired..

I don't know if it's a certain person that will snap me out of it, or if I just have to move forward with my life. All I know, is that I don't want to do it anymore. And no...I don't know why.

The way we are wired...

I was talking about this with a colleague at work, and I thought I would put my thoughts here while on my break. They say that men are wired differently than women in the sense that they can separate sex from the feeling of being in love, but I highly question that in some ways.

On the one hand, yes I agree that many men can indeed do this. I lived with someone who was clearly capable of this. Where I disagree is the statement that ALL men can do this at ALL times. Clearly some men can do this about 99% of the time, but what happens when they truly fall in love with someone? They may be able to separate it with everyone else, but what about that one person they are clearly in love with? It's something that's quite a phenomenon for me, because I really don't think you have to say "I love you" to make it obvious that you do, so for someone to say that they can separate the feeling by simply not saying "I love you" is kind of a weak argument.

Beyond the men that truly can separate the two, I believe there are men that say they can, but given the right circumstances, they too become very "mushy gushy" as women are assumed to be.

My colleague said that men and women are just wired differently sometimes, but that some men are wired very similar to women in this aspect. I would like to go a step further in saying that most of us are wired pretty much the same. I think we all have situations in which we could probably separate the two and be very happy, but at the same time, there are other situations where, given the right person, we have such an emotional, deep, love for that person that separation of the physical and the emotional is virtually impossible because they become fused together by feelings.

Men may be from Mars and women may be from Venus, but there are certain aspects of both that make us similar. We do infact all live on Earth afterall...

When we think we've focused the lenses on life

Why is it that even when one has everything else going well for them, the focus is always made on the one or two negative things that are visible in their lives? I fall victim to this time and time again. When I was with Drew, my failure was often school, or my dead end job, bumming a room off my best friend in a town west of where I really wanted to be. I did a lot of off and on focusing on how much school sucked (not all school, mainly my econ classes), and when I passed econ for the final time, my focus shifted from school, to my problems with the new boyfriend (recently turned ex), and the lack of emotional detachment from the guy before him.

Currently, I have had a new shift. I no longer have a dead end job, but the beginning of a real career in public service. I passed econ, and I am halfway through my last summer school class. I am on my way to graduating in December, and I will be able to finally say I have a Master's degree after three long years come graduation. So why is it that all I can focus on, is how lonely I am? I find myself torn between the realism side of my personality that knows I'm not ready, and the romantic side of me that just has that urge to settle down. The truth is, I don't have the resources to be ready for any man at this point. I have no money, no apartment, and most importantly, no true heart to give.

I'm torn, and for the first time in my life, I feel like it's not the men in my life that are at fault, it's me. I have this inability to be comfortable alone. It's a big fear of mine, probably the biggest. I don't fear heights, closed spaces, public speaking, flying, or any of the stereotypical things that most people fear. I fear most of all lonliness. I often think that I will be the one person left behind.. Why? Because I'm the woman that everyone says is a great catch. Someone who can find all these people to like her. I know..messed up, right?! Well, the truth is, they all do think I'm a catch at first...and then a few months roll by. They realize how dedicated to my life I am. They realize how much of my life doesn't concern them. They realize how hard core I am about all of my beliefs, even though I don't push them on others. And finally, they realize that I'm not willing to let anything in my way of my dreams, even them.

I've come up with one of three scenarios to be the reason why my theory is upheld:

1. The man I'm with at the time becomes quickly intimidated, and why shouldn't they be? Because they should be happy for me, not competing with me. Anyway...lets move on.

2. The man I'm with will want to keep up with me, but for whatever reason, can't. He's inspired by the way I conduct my life, and tries to change his own. Which is fantastic! I'm a great role model for guys who need to get their life in order...and they do..for the next girl, because they can't keep up with me.

3. The man I'm with will have his act together, will be as dedicated if not more dedicated than me, which is why we are a good match in the first place. We have the hardcore work ethic in common. Somewhere, one of us loses sight of supporting one another and becomes so dedicated that the relationship becomes the new failure.

How do I break the cycle? I'm not sure. I'm glad I inspire people, and push them to be better people. It makes me feel good inside that I can do that for someone that I care about. What I'm not glad about, is what it does to me on a personal, selfish basis. My heart is crushed...so small that it feels like I don't have much left. I'm pretty hard at this point...not really a caring bone in my body when it comes to love, and why should I? It's only going to lead to another miserable disappointment after a few months of imagined bliss.

I'm tired of being lonely...I'm tired of being heartbroken. Most of all, I'm tired of being Miss Almost Right, or Miss "Not exactly right" or even Miss "Not the right time". Almost doesn't count...not now, not ever.

Is there a right way to move forward?

I always get philosophical in the wee hours of the morning/late night. On the one hand, I am falling asleep at my computer. On the other hand, I have these thoughts going through my head, and I would prefer to not have another nightmare, so here I am, on what is supposed to be my objective blog, but ends up being my expression of deep thoughts...at least for tonight.

I was curious as to whether I could search through to find my first tweet via API on twitter. It would only let me back as far as mid January. I read about a month worth and ran into my first post about the break up. I wrote that the day I could listen to "I'm movin on" by Rascal Flatts and not cry, was the day I would be ready to move forward with my life. That day came sooner than I had anticipated, however I really don't think my statement was all that accurate.

Despite the feelings of hopelessness, despair, and sadness, I have found another guy in my life (who has been there all along in fact), that really sparked my attention. He was right under my nose the whole time, and I didn't even see it until a few weeks ago.

That's good, right?! So why do I feel so guilty?

The truth is, Drew really screwed me up. We never fought or anything. In fact, it was the most mature, respectful relationship I've ever had with a man. I couldn't have asked for something more awesome than the dynamic we had with one another. We are still close friends, and I still call him from time to time for advice on something, or to bounce ideas about political things. I feel that part of me will always be connected with him.

So what's the problem?

When is it that I can feel comfortable going forward with this new guy. I like him...a lot. He is very sweet, fun to be around, and all around a nice guy. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel that he may be something I want to pursue in a more serious light, however the one thing that holds me back, that holds my heart back...is the fear.

I fear of what Drew will think of me, seeing as it's only been two months. I fear of what this guy would think of me, seeing as I am still in love with Drew. I fear of what I may think of myself, seeing as I always seem to jump from relationship to relationship, and I don't ever seem to give myself enough time to heal.

The truth is, I want to cry. I want to cry, but the whole thing makes me numb. I only feel this way when I'm alone at night. When I'm sitting here, tired, and about to go to bed. When I have time to sit and think about it. It's in the back of my mind when the new guy and I hang out, but not so far up on the list where I think about it constantly. He's got that way about him, that distracts me from those thoughts.

I don't know if he's reading this, or if he ever will (I post the link to this blog on several social networking sites), but this friend, this guy I have suddenly found in my life...I hope he knows how much he means to me...and the potential I see for the future. I hope he's patient, because I really feel so much sadness right now that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with a broken heart that I just can't seem to find all the pieces to.

When is the right time to move on? When does one say, "ok, I'm ready to move forward"? Does it have to be when you're completely over a person, or can it be sooner? I really miss Drew, the way we were. I was comfortable, happy, content. It was beyond bubbly or giddy. It was real.

I'm not saying my feelings aren't real with this new guy. They most certainly are. I am extremely happy and giddy, and every time we are around one another, I can't help but smile. That is the dynamic of a new connection though. I keep wondering when it is going to get to the point where he doesn't necessarily want to pursue it further, or when I won't. I am wondering when the giddy is going to turn to normal, and when (or if) one of us gets bored. I have such a wall up at the moment, and I am wondering what is going to have to happen for me to open up fully to this man.

Part of me really wants him to read this, maybe then he'd understand a little of where I was coming from. The other part is merely embarrassed. I can't let him see me like this! Are you kidding?!

I'm not sure. I really wish this pain would just leave for good.

My Cheese has been moved again.

It's that time again to get personal. I generally don't like blogging personal stuff anymore. I try to be a little more analytical and want this blog to be more of a review of my thoughts than a completely thought based blog, however sometimes I really can't help but want to write out everything I am thinking. It's therapeutic I guess.

A few weeks ago, Drew and I's relationship came to an end. We broke things off in order to focus on ourselves and our own careers. It was mutual, mostly....sort of. It was more like he broke it off, and I agreed. I didn't fight for him, I figured I couldn't change him. Every book I have read on break ups (because I have found myself reading a lot of them lately) has said to not talk tot he person for 60 days. No text, no call, no facebook, no drunk dials, no nothing. Considering he was an ex, this was difficult. Considering he's still my best friend, that is impossible. I can't even imagine not talking to my casual friends, much less the person I feel like understands me more than anyone else.

Last night, I couldn't take it anymore and I called him up, saying I had some things I needed to talk to him about. I asked if we could go somewhere to talk. He agreed. We went to Brewskeez in O'Fallon, MO, and I was very honest and forthcoming with him about everything I had been thinking. I told him that I wanted him back, and that I would accept it if he didn't feel the same way. I told him that if he didn't love me in the same way, I would accept it, but that if he was breaking up just out of fear, that he has to give me the benefit of the doubt. At that point, I had no idea which one it was. I don't think he really did either. He sat there a long time and thought about it.

It was a very big closure moment for me. As much pain as I am in at the moment, I know WHY I am in this much pain now. I have an ending to it. I know it's just going to take time now. There is one thing he did say that made it much easier. He did state that this not talking crap is indeed that....Crap. We agreed that our friendship is the most important thing at this point, and we can't afford to lose one another in that way, so the rule is...there is no rules. If I want to call him after class to talk to him bounce policy ideas off of him, I am certainly in right to do so, and if he wants to call me to get a second opinion about computer hardware or technical upgrades, I will totally give my input. As well, if we want to go shooting, or hang out in any way, we totally can.

It's stupid that unless you share a child and are forced to see one another, you aren't supposed to see or talk to your ex. That's the dumbest rule on the planet. Some friends have told me that it will be super hard to do what we want to do, but he and I both think it's worth it. Over the last few weeks, I felt like I went from being in love with a guy I thought I was going to marry, to losing him AND my best friend in the whole world. Now at least I feel like I have my best friend back.

I'm in more pain than I can even begin to describe, however I know there is an ending to that pain, eventually...and I am ready to start heading down that road to recovery. Needless to say, I won't be dating anyone, for quite some time. My heart is broken, and I need to sort the pieces out, before I start gluing them back together.