The new me...

I wrote a string of tweets tonight that really seemed to get some responses out of people. I was deeply reflective over a contact from an old friend that suggested we should "hang out sometime" after what clearly has been forever. I proceeded to explain myself in ways I won't do so in this beginning paragraph because frankly, it's redundant. I would, before I explain myself further, like to give the string of tweets in paragraph form, the way it probably should have been read, and without the shortening of insignificant words like and & because. I will signify them by italics.

~~~~~Ever have those moments of time in your life that you wish would last forever but after they end and you go back, it suddenly is awkward? That's how I feel about a lot of moments and people (though not all) that occurred prior to a couple years ago. It is almost as if the chapters in my life were not separated by college and grad school, but rather living in #stl and not. Regardless of whether you live in #stl now or not; if you don't understand who I've become, it's difficult for me to explain all the changes. Makes me feel like a B, because I feel those who have known me for the last year or three see me better than some who've known me for 10. The truth is that I have a lot of acquaintances but I am more selective at who I truly consider a friend... Because I have been pushed, shoved, burned too much in my past...and frankly...I hate being the nice doormat #doormats. This doesn't mean that if you knew me before the last 3 years, we can't be friends, but it won't be like we were, because I am not her anymore. Also, you'll have to provide more effort up front, because if I haven't talked to you more than twice in the last year, it's because I gave up. I tend to give up after a long time of doing all or most of the work...only to get a doormat response in return.~~~~~

So that's what I wrote (made some things a little more grammatically correct..and I'm sorry for those of you that don't use twitter. The hash tags are staying).

There are probably three kinds of people reading this blog, the ones that have known me longer than three years and have no clue what I am talking about, the ones that have known me less than three years and are a little confused but intrigued, and the ones who can be from either, who just get it. Those that get it, I commend you. I especially commend you if you have known me less than three years and you get it, because that means we must be good friends, and you must have been listening when we talked about this. For everyone else, I will explain a little of what I am talking about.

All of the people in my life, regardless of when they knew me, have known me as an outgoing, energizing, fun, life of the party type of person. I carry myself well around a well rounded group of people, meaning that you can be any sort of personality, and I will make myself fit within your group of people, without having to necessarily change any part of who I am. I don't believe (nor have I ever believed) in changing myself to fit into a group of people. I am who I am, and if you don't like it, that's your opinion. I do have a wide variety of likes and dislikes, and I believe that no matter who you are, I will find something to relate with you on. This is why my friends range from the age of 15 to 55. This is also why my friends range from a retail profession to doctors, to real estate agents, to self made millionaires (I have a few rich friends).

Regardless of who you are, what you do, where you're from, I treat you the same, unless you give me a reason to treat you differently. Most of the time, that reason will have something to do with me. Selfish? Maybe...but in this world, I have been told there are times where you need to be selfish. You enter the world alone, and you'll leave it alone, therefore if you don't take care of yourself, who else is going to? This is why in terms of stability, I always make sure to surround myself with people that care about me, truly. This is the way I've always thought, however I haven't always defined what it was people did to show they cared.

My father's death was a life defining moment for me. It's something I think about throughout the second half of September, through Christmas of every year. It's the reason why my blog is called "The Political Daughter" (his nickname for me). And the reactions that people had to my father's death, it was a defining moment for me as well. Some people that I considered close friends before he died, I no longer consider close friends, or even anything more than acquaintances. They were there for me when he died, in a way. They showed me they cared, and did what they could at the time, and I was grateful, I still am. I believe that people are genuinely caring and compassionate when they feel compelled to be. Does this make them truly friend material? Not necessarily.

It's very easy to congratulate someone on a wedding, or give condolences to someone when their loved one has died, but what about all of those times in-between? And I truly don't think that distance should be an excuse for any of this. I have a friend from high school in Chicago, one from high school in Minnesota, three from college in Texas, and one from my first year of grad school in South Korea who all make time to catch up with me from time to time. Some of them once every few months, some of them once a month, some of them a couple times a week. Regardless, we both make the same effort, and it's still a worthwhile friendship in my opinion.

Yet I have other friends who live less than 20 miles away, who I've known for about 10 years, who don't even know who I am anymore. They gave up, in my opinion a long time ago to even try and know me. That's fine, people change, people move on. I understand, and I'm not offended. It's awkward to go backwards, so I really don't feel comfortable doing it. I will move forward with that person, but that person needs to catch up with me, this is why I said in that tweet that they need to put more effort up front for me to respond.

So who am I?

Today, I am much more stable. I used to be someone that would see the good in everyone and try to make everyone a best friend. I still see the good in everyone, however I am smarter, and admit that there are only a few people who like to use their good sides all the time.

Emotionally, I will not fret about someone hurting my feelings anymore. I won't dwell on things the way I used to. It used to be that someone would piss me off and I'd be upset for days. One of my best girlfriends from college and I didn't talk for 6 months freshman year because of crap we were mad at one another about. I just don't play those games anymore. I let things go so quickly that, in order to process them, I need to talk to the person in the moment, because in 24 hours, I just won't care anymore and drop the whole thing.

I used to be a stress hog, but now a days, it takes a lot to really get me down. Someone can call me a piece of crap a lot and I really won't react, because I know who I am, I know what I want out of life, and I know where I want to go. I have people in my life who respect me for who I am, so if someone wants to call me a piece of crap, they must not understand, or value at all any part of me. Mind you, the other night I was extremely tired after work, because I had people telling me I was a piece of crap all day long. Eight straight hours of it, with no real break (more than an hour) will wear ANYONE down. Outside of that, I have a thick wall with most people.

Only those I let through my wall, have the power to truly hurt me. I can name maybe two people outside of my family who can hurt me in this way. And yes, those two people are within the bounds of those I have met in the last three years. No I will not tell you who they are. These people, and my family, have the power to really hurt me in ways that nobody else in the world can, because I love and trust them so much, that I without any conscious thought at all, let them in.

This is the part that I am trying to change about myself. I don't want to have a wall with people, but maybe a thicker skin would be better.

This isn't even the tip of the iceberg as to why I am completely different than I was three years ago. If I went into every reason, nobody would read this blog (because it'd be a 900 page book). I just am more observant of my faults, my wants, my needs, and what I have to offer the rest of the world. I won't let anyone hurt me, or the people I care about. I don't hold grudges, but that doesn't mean I will forget what you've done to me in the past. I use them more as reference points that I use for avenues of decision making later.

In a nutshell, this is the new me...

When we think we've focused the lenses on life

Why is it that even when one has everything else going well for them, the focus is always made on the one or two negative things that are visible in their lives? I fall victim to this time and time again. When I was with Drew, my failure was often school, or my dead end job, bumming a room off my best friend in a town west of where I really wanted to be. I did a lot of off and on focusing on how much school sucked (not all school, mainly my econ classes), and when I passed econ for the final time, my focus shifted from school, to my problems with the new boyfriend (recently turned ex), and the lack of emotional detachment from the guy before him.

Currently, I have had a new shift. I no longer have a dead end job, but the beginning of a real career in public service. I passed econ, and I am halfway through my last summer school class. I am on my way to graduating in December, and I will be able to finally say I have a Master's degree after three long years come graduation. So why is it that all I can focus on, is how lonely I am? I find myself torn between the realism side of my personality that knows I'm not ready, and the romantic side of me that just has that urge to settle down. The truth is, I don't have the resources to be ready for any man at this point. I have no money, no apartment, and most importantly, no true heart to give.

I'm torn, and for the first time in my life, I feel like it's not the men in my life that are at fault, it's me. I have this inability to be comfortable alone. It's a big fear of mine, probably the biggest. I don't fear heights, closed spaces, public speaking, flying, or any of the stereotypical things that most people fear. I fear most of all lonliness. I often think that I will be the one person left behind.. Why? Because I'm the woman that everyone says is a great catch. Someone who can find all these people to like her. I know..messed up, right?! Well, the truth is, they all do think I'm a catch at first...and then a few months roll by. They realize how dedicated to my life I am. They realize how much of my life doesn't concern them. They realize how hard core I am about all of my beliefs, even though I don't push them on others. And finally, they realize that I'm not willing to let anything in my way of my dreams, even them.

I've come up with one of three scenarios to be the reason why my theory is upheld:

1. The man I'm with at the time becomes quickly intimidated, and why shouldn't they be? Because they should be happy for me, not competing with me. Anyway...lets move on.

2. The man I'm with will want to keep up with me, but for whatever reason, can't. He's inspired by the way I conduct my life, and tries to change his own. Which is fantastic! I'm a great role model for guys who need to get their life in order...and they do..for the next girl, because they can't keep up with me.

3. The man I'm with will have his act together, will be as dedicated if not more dedicated than me, which is why we are a good match in the first place. We have the hardcore work ethic in common. Somewhere, one of us loses sight of supporting one another and becomes so dedicated that the relationship becomes the new failure.

How do I break the cycle? I'm not sure. I'm glad I inspire people, and push them to be better people. It makes me feel good inside that I can do that for someone that I care about. What I'm not glad about, is what it does to me on a personal, selfish basis. My heart is crushed...so small that it feels like I don't have much left. I'm pretty hard at this point...not really a caring bone in my body when it comes to love, and why should I? It's only going to lead to another miserable disappointment after a few months of imagined bliss.

I'm tired of being lonely...I'm tired of being heartbroken. Most of all, I'm tired of being Miss Almost Right, or Miss "Not exactly right" or even Miss "Not the right time". Almost doesn't count...not now, not ever.