What It Feels Like To Be Broken

I should be reading one of four books that I need to finish in the next few days, but my thoughts, once again have gotten away from me. Call me a romantic, but I can't help but be completely blindsighted from all things important in my life, by this lack of relationship problem that I have had. What seems different this time, is that I find myself at a complete standstill. I am lonely and sad at the end of the day, yet somewhat comfortable in my own selfish lifestyle. The reason I feel this way, is because anytime I find a guy that feels anything more than indifference towards meeting me, I become instantly uninterested. I am not sure why that is...but it's definitely not to the fault of the guy. They are quality guys that I generally would otherwise find attractive. I'm kind of a mess in this department.

The best way to describe it is broken. My whole life, I've been the dreamer of romance, and lately it just feels different. When I see someone attracted to me, I grow tired really quickly, because the first thing I think is how much work I'd put into it, only for it to be thrown in my face months later. The moment I feel this way, it makes me sad, and I end up going home just as confused as I'm sure the person on the other end probably feels.

IT just doesn't make sense, but this is who I am. I'm tired..

I don't know if it's a certain person that will snap me out of it, or if I just have to move forward with my life. All I know, is that I don't want to do it anymore. And no...I don't know why.

Please Be Careful With Me...Because I'd Like To Stay That Way

I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and given that I have to work at 8:30 in the morning, I probably won't be going back to sleep anytime soon. I was thinking about the dynamics of relationships of all types. Whether they be friendships, lovers, family, or co-workers, the dynamic between two people that have not known one another on a certain level for a long period of time, really is a difficult thing to adjust to, especially if it is something that has emotionally gone from insignificant to extremely important in the minds of both parties within a relatively short amount of time.

I'm pretty much an open book. Once upon a time, however, I didn't used to be. I grew up in a family that played games. During my parent's divorce, I learned how to play both sides, by the way I was played. I was "the messenger" between my parents, and it was not a fun spot to be in. I went to a therapist, recommended and paid for by my parents, who basically taught me the skills that I have today to take what people dish, and use it to my advantage. I have a thick skin most of the time, with a lot of people.

I can talk about politics, religion, and most other controversial topics with 95% of the people in the world, and have it be ok. There can be heated discussions, and I might get excited, but I won't be offended, or mad. You can make a joke that will be considered obscene, and I may laugh, but I won't get offended. I can see the humor in things.

In the same right, however, when I love you, when I truly care about you...I will let you inside my heart, and you will be on the other side of that thick skin, in terms of my feelings. We may still be able to talk politics, you may still be able to make jokes, but there's a definite line, and I will tell you when that line is crossed.

The line is definitely crossed, more often than not, when under the influence. If I'm tired, inebriated, or even a little hormonal, I am generally the same person that I am in a normal situation, only I may take what you say a little more serious than I should.

There's an easy way to detect this situation and solve the problem quickly... 1. I may push you away. If I walk away, if I am pressed to do something that may seem out of the norms of joking, I will do it to prove a point. Don't challenge me to walk away, because I will walk. If I do walk, the best thing that can be done, is to follow, grab me, hold me, and tell me you're joking. Kiss me, hug me, do something affectionate that can show that you aren't meaning to hurt my feelings.

This isn't the first time that others don't understand my sensitivity. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a strong woman. My sensitivity comes as left field, because people think that strong willed people can't be sensitive. The problem with that theory, is that being sensitive isn't the same as being weak. In fact, it is my sensitivity to pain, and heartache that brought me to public service in the first place. I want to represent people that really can't necessarily represent themselves. Government is often there to protect those that are sensitive to the world around them, whether that be on a monetary, social, mental, or emotional level.

The main point of this blog post, is that I'm sensitive, however I'm secure within my own self. I may change a great deal within the next three years, but I will not see the world through less sensitive eyes. I'm always going to be fragile in terms of the way I see the people I truly love. The fact that I am sensitive with you, should be a compliment, because that means I've let you into the gate. You are on the inside of my thick wall, and I haven't shut you out to that level where it's impossible to get to know me on that intimate level.

Likewise, because that isn't going away, it must be respected, and not taken for granted. I think the folk/pop singer Jewel describes it perfectly...

"I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
Oh please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

........

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way" - Jewel lyrics from "I'm Sensitive"

Is there a right way to move forward?

I always get philosophical in the wee hours of the morning/late night. On the one hand, I am falling asleep at my computer. On the other hand, I have these thoughts going through my head, and I would prefer to not have another nightmare, so here I am, on what is supposed to be my objective blog, but ends up being my expression of deep thoughts...at least for tonight.

I was curious as to whether I could search through to find my first tweet via API on twitter. It would only let me back as far as mid January. I read about a month worth and ran into my first post about the break up. I wrote that the day I could listen to "I'm movin on" by Rascal Flatts and not cry, was the day I would be ready to move forward with my life. That day came sooner than I had anticipated, however I really don't think my statement was all that accurate.

Despite the feelings of hopelessness, despair, and sadness, I have found another guy in my life (who has been there all along in fact), that really sparked my attention. He was right under my nose the whole time, and I didn't even see it until a few weeks ago.

That's good, right?! So why do I feel so guilty?

The truth is, Drew really screwed me up. We never fought or anything. In fact, it was the most mature, respectful relationship I've ever had with a man. I couldn't have asked for something more awesome than the dynamic we had with one another. We are still close friends, and I still call him from time to time for advice on something, or to bounce ideas about political things. I feel that part of me will always be connected with him.

So what's the problem?

When is it that I can feel comfortable going forward with this new guy. I like him...a lot. He is very sweet, fun to be around, and all around a nice guy. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel that he may be something I want to pursue in a more serious light, however the one thing that holds me back, that holds my heart back...is the fear.

I fear of what Drew will think of me, seeing as it's only been two months. I fear of what this guy would think of me, seeing as I am still in love with Drew. I fear of what I may think of myself, seeing as I always seem to jump from relationship to relationship, and I don't ever seem to give myself enough time to heal.

The truth is, I want to cry. I want to cry, but the whole thing makes me numb. I only feel this way when I'm alone at night. When I'm sitting here, tired, and about to go to bed. When I have time to sit and think about it. It's in the back of my mind when the new guy and I hang out, but not so far up on the list where I think about it constantly. He's got that way about him, that distracts me from those thoughts.

I don't know if he's reading this, or if he ever will (I post the link to this blog on several social networking sites), but this friend, this guy I have suddenly found in my life...I hope he knows how much he means to me...and the potential I see for the future. I hope he's patient, because I really feel so much sadness right now that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with a broken heart that I just can't seem to find all the pieces to.

When is the right time to move on? When does one say, "ok, I'm ready to move forward"? Does it have to be when you're completely over a person, or can it be sooner? I really miss Drew, the way we were. I was comfortable, happy, content. It was beyond bubbly or giddy. It was real.

I'm not saying my feelings aren't real with this new guy. They most certainly are. I am extremely happy and giddy, and every time we are around one another, I can't help but smile. That is the dynamic of a new connection though. I keep wondering when it is going to get to the point where he doesn't necessarily want to pursue it further, or when I won't. I am wondering when the giddy is going to turn to normal, and when (or if) one of us gets bored. I have such a wall up at the moment, and I am wondering what is going to have to happen for me to open up fully to this man.

Part of me really wants him to read this, maybe then he'd understand a little of where I was coming from. The other part is merely embarrassed. I can't let him see me like this! Are you kidding?!

I'm not sure. I really wish this pain would just leave for good.

Is it really change, or is it just realization of who we were the whole time?

I have been looking at econ notes for several hours. My anxiety of last year feels like it is coming back, but I am looking at it this time in a completely different perspective. I have changed completely over the past year. From a girl who was naive, depressed, tired, to one that feels intelligent, loved, and one who has the inspiration and perseverance to make it through anything.

After Dad died, I lapsed for a couple months. I fell completely in love with a man that seemed right for me in almost every way. The almost part came from my place in life at the time. I really hope he's happy with his new girlfriend. She seems really great for him...much like Drew is for me. Even though we didn't work out, he definitely taught me what a real, adult relationship is really like. I felt like in the 5 or so months we were on, and off, and on again...I really learned how to be the best girlfriend I could. The problem was all timing. I had too much on my plate....most of which had to do with my emotions over my recently deceased father. He helped me grieve through that, and among everything else, he taught me what a dedicated, hopeful, intelligent, traditional man would be like. Much of the features he had, I went out looking for, and eventually found in Drew. I have this man I briefly dated for that.

Drew, really is the complete package for me. I wake up everyday feeling lucky that I even found someone who really understands me the way he does. I was talking to Neale the other day about the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship. How long it lasts, what are the effects, and what it really consists of. I think we determined that the length of time of "honeymoon" stage depends on the two people involved combined with their experiences, and the stage itself consists of spontaneity combined with a certain sense of newness and a healthy dose of idealism.

As our schedules have become more synchronized, I have noticed the closeness is unlike anything I've previously experienced. Normally, in relationships, I have found myself quickly jumping into something serious with the man I was with at the time, only to lose sight of the obvious trivial differences that a few months down the road would cause pot holes and an awfully bumpy ride down to an eventual ending of the relationship.

I found myself walking into my current relationship with a very different perspective. My head seemed to be perfectly level on my shoulders, and my feet were planted securely on the ground. In fact, I didn't think much about the first date, prior to it's conception. After meeting him, I was completely amazed as to the kind of man he seemed to be. Eight hours we spent on that first date, getting to know one another, and another six hours on the second date, nearly 24 hours later. Within that one weekend, I had been made aware of a man that never in a thousand years believed would have existed. Of course, I wasn't 100 percent sure that what I had anticipated about Drew was indeed the case.

After being with him for a few months, making time out at least three times or more a week, talking almost every night, and really getting to know his inner self, a curiosity, turned instant attraction has evolved into a love beyond anything I could have previously imagined.

I am not going to say that we are exactly alike. Someone exactly like me, I've learned is both impractical, and unlikely to be a formula for success. Instead, I've learned that what makes for a great match between lovers, is enough differences to make for great conversation and appeal, mutual respect of those differences, and a commonality in morals, desires in one another, some interests that both people can relate to, and amazing dedication & honesty. This doesn't begin to touch the surface as to why I think this relationship is different than anything else I've experienced prior, and why I feel that this man is really someone I can see a future with.

I want so badly to get fully accepted (beyond this conditional acceptance), finish my graduate degree, and break into city management. Every time I see Drew with his business partners, Gabe & Dan, testing equipment in the warehouse, talking about upcoming gigs, and their goals for the next few months, I become extremely inspired. He's doing exactly what he wanted to do with his life. His dream job is sustaining itself, and it's one client away from sustaining him and his partners as well. He's got his dream in the palm of his hand, and he's just working out the minor details. He inspires me to really work for what I want in life for myself, and for us together.

He will be going to Cincinnati, OH this week starting on Thursday, and won't be back until Monday. Conveniently, I will be studying for my very stressful microeconomics midterm for Monday night's class. I think it's quite hilarious how he seems to go out of town at the perfect times. It's like we plan it that way, but there's no way we really could, honestly.

Beyond everything else, Drew really pushes me to be the best Angela I could possibly be. He makes me feel beautiful, every time I see him. The best part about all of this, is that he's so incredibly modest. He doesn't realize how great he is, so he has no reason to be cocky about it.

....totally thought this post was going to be about school. guess I went off topic.