Is there a right way to move forward?

I always get philosophical in the wee hours of the morning/late night. On the one hand, I am falling asleep at my computer. On the other hand, I have these thoughts going through my head, and I would prefer to not have another nightmare, so here I am, on what is supposed to be my objective blog, but ends up being my expression of deep thoughts...at least for tonight.

I was curious as to whether I could search through to find my first tweet via API on twitter. It would only let me back as far as mid January. I read about a month worth and ran into my first post about the break up. I wrote that the day I could listen to "I'm movin on" by Rascal Flatts and not cry, was the day I would be ready to move forward with my life. That day came sooner than I had anticipated, however I really don't think my statement was all that accurate.

Despite the feelings of hopelessness, despair, and sadness, I have found another guy in my life (who has been there all along in fact), that really sparked my attention. He was right under my nose the whole time, and I didn't even see it until a few weeks ago.

That's good, right?! So why do I feel so guilty?

The truth is, Drew really screwed me up. We never fought or anything. In fact, it was the most mature, respectful relationship I've ever had with a man. I couldn't have asked for something more awesome than the dynamic we had with one another. We are still close friends, and I still call him from time to time for advice on something, or to bounce ideas about political things. I feel that part of me will always be connected with him.

So what's the problem?

When is it that I can feel comfortable going forward with this new guy. I like him...a lot. He is very sweet, fun to be around, and all around a nice guy. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel that he may be something I want to pursue in a more serious light, however the one thing that holds me back, that holds my heart back...is the fear.

I fear of what Drew will think of me, seeing as it's only been two months. I fear of what this guy would think of me, seeing as I am still in love with Drew. I fear of what I may think of myself, seeing as I always seem to jump from relationship to relationship, and I don't ever seem to give myself enough time to heal.

The truth is, I want to cry. I want to cry, but the whole thing makes me numb. I only feel this way when I'm alone at night. When I'm sitting here, tired, and about to go to bed. When I have time to sit and think about it. It's in the back of my mind when the new guy and I hang out, but not so far up on the list where I think about it constantly. He's got that way about him, that distracts me from those thoughts.

I don't know if he's reading this, or if he ever will (I post the link to this blog on several social networking sites), but this friend, this guy I have suddenly found in my life...I hope he knows how much he means to me...and the potential I see for the future. I hope he's patient, because I really feel so much sadness right now that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with a broken heart that I just can't seem to find all the pieces to.

When is the right time to move on? When does one say, "ok, I'm ready to move forward"? Does it have to be when you're completely over a person, or can it be sooner? I really miss Drew, the way we were. I was comfortable, happy, content. It was beyond bubbly or giddy. It was real.

I'm not saying my feelings aren't real with this new guy. They most certainly are. I am extremely happy and giddy, and every time we are around one another, I can't help but smile. That is the dynamic of a new connection though. I keep wondering when it is going to get to the point where he doesn't necessarily want to pursue it further, or when I won't. I am wondering when the giddy is going to turn to normal, and when (or if) one of us gets bored. I have such a wall up at the moment, and I am wondering what is going to have to happen for me to open up fully to this man.

Part of me really wants him to read this, maybe then he'd understand a little of where I was coming from. The other part is merely embarrassed. I can't let him see me like this! Are you kidding?!

I'm not sure. I really wish this pain would just leave for good.

It's amazing how one perspective really changes you

I was pulled over today by a Ladue police officer on Highway 40 going west towards 270.  He ended up chewing me out, asking me what on earth I was doing on my phone while driving.  I didn't have a good answer from him.

He continued to chew me out worse than my own parents (and trust me, mine are killer), and all I could think was, "I honestly want to cry". 

I am really surprised by both how much the police officer actually sewed to care about his job and the safety of others as well as how I seemed to really take what he said to heart.  I am not what you would call a strict follower of rules of the road, but I generally don't drive dangerously, however this is one area where I slipped up and this policeman helped me see the error of my ways.

Why aren't more policeman like this?  I truly think that if a policeman yelled at me like that when I was speeding it would be much more effective than going me a ticket.  I know, that sounds like I am trying to get out of having to pay a fine, and part of me is, but a bigger part of me just does not see the point of the fine.  There is so much time in between actually getting the ticket and paying it (even more time if you get a lawyer to take care of it), that by the time you do (or I do in this case) the feeling of regret is gone.  But having someone yell at me like that an make me feel super guilty?! I don't think I could do it again.

I might text at a red light, or use voice e activation, but I won't text and drive again.  Thanks to that Ladue police officer. 

Location : 15400 Millrun Ct, Chesterfield, MO 63017,

The New Dork

I feel like a complete dork for posting this, but it fits me so well!!!

So this guy talked to me on OKC.....

I have nothing to say beyond the text of the actual IM conversation that went on. I thought it was hilarious and I wanted to show you guys what he said:

JoeStLouis:If I told you I was God would you pray to me?

JoeStLouis:Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!

AngBird:say yes to what?

JoeStLouis:No idea. You're the first person I've tried that BS on

AngBird:wow... lol that was actually kinda funny

JoeStLouis:Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

AngBird:wow.... clearly someone has put WAYYYYY too much thought into this

AngBird:mad props on the originality and the extremely drawn out story

AngBird:but no thanks...

JoeStLouis:linesthataregood.com

AngBird:I hope it works on someone for you though..that was quite humorous.

JoeStLouis:copy paste....duh

#TweetsByReceipts

THE TALE OF SIX RECEIPTS!!!!!

I was scheduled for work today at 6:30AM!!! UGH how boring! What's worse is that I FORGOT MY PHONE! Ok... I am not one to really screw around at work. I work very hard, but at the Kaldi's station in my store, it gets boring, and frankly...nobody comes by there, except at lunch. In which case..I work REALLY hard.

No tweeting for me today, which made me sad, until I found a pen, and realized that there was ample amount of receipt paper. This is when I decided to start writing down my tweets that I would post later. I called them #TweetsByReceipts. I won't post up here, but if you want to read them, you can look at the pictures of the receipts. There were a TON of them (80 something). But I did post them all up on my stream and got very great reviews back! Including the following:

So here are the receipts of the posts I made:

So that is the end of this story. It was very much TONS of fun.. Now it's time for a nap!

My Cheese has been moved again.

It's that time again to get personal. I generally don't like blogging personal stuff anymore. I try to be a little more analytical and want this blog to be more of a review of my thoughts than a completely thought based blog, however sometimes I really can't help but want to write out everything I am thinking. It's therapeutic I guess.

A few weeks ago, Drew and I's relationship came to an end. We broke things off in order to focus on ourselves and our own careers. It was mutual, mostly....sort of. It was more like he broke it off, and I agreed. I didn't fight for him, I figured I couldn't change him. Every book I have read on break ups (because I have found myself reading a lot of them lately) has said to not talk tot he person for 60 days. No text, no call, no facebook, no drunk dials, no nothing. Considering he was an ex, this was difficult. Considering he's still my best friend, that is impossible. I can't even imagine not talking to my casual friends, much less the person I feel like understands me more than anyone else.

Last night, I couldn't take it anymore and I called him up, saying I had some things I needed to talk to him about. I asked if we could go somewhere to talk. He agreed. We went to Brewskeez in O'Fallon, MO, and I was very honest and forthcoming with him about everything I had been thinking. I told him that I wanted him back, and that I would accept it if he didn't feel the same way. I told him that if he didn't love me in the same way, I would accept it, but that if he was breaking up just out of fear, that he has to give me the benefit of the doubt. At that point, I had no idea which one it was. I don't think he really did either. He sat there a long time and thought about it.

It was a very big closure moment for me. As much pain as I am in at the moment, I know WHY I am in this much pain now. I have an ending to it. I know it's just going to take time now. There is one thing he did say that made it much easier. He did state that this not talking crap is indeed that....Crap. We agreed that our friendship is the most important thing at this point, and we can't afford to lose one another in that way, so the rule is...there is no rules. If I want to call him after class to talk to him bounce policy ideas off of him, I am certainly in right to do so, and if he wants to call me to get a second opinion about computer hardware or technical upgrades, I will totally give my input. As well, if we want to go shooting, or hang out in any way, we totally can.

It's stupid that unless you share a child and are forced to see one another, you aren't supposed to see or talk to your ex. That's the dumbest rule on the planet. Some friends have told me that it will be super hard to do what we want to do, but he and I both think it's worth it. Over the last few weeks, I felt like I went from being in love with a guy I thought I was going to marry, to losing him AND my best friend in the whole world. Now at least I feel like I have my best friend back.

I'm in more pain than I can even begin to describe, however I know there is an ending to that pain, eventually...and I am ready to start heading down that road to recovery. Needless to say, I won't be dating anyone, for quite some time. My heart is broken, and I need to sort the pieces out, before I start gluing them back together.

Tweeting for the Public Good | GOVERNING

Tweeting for the Public Good GOVERNING

It's about time someone spoke out about how important social networking is to public agencies and the service they provide to their constituents. This particular topic talks about how not only should agencies be more open to the idea of allowing social networking sites on their network (rather than restricting it from their employees), but also the tools to help teach employees the difference between blogging as a representative of the agency, and as a private citizen.

2010

A new decade is upon us, and I feel compelled to talk about it.

Quoting the NY Times (http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009/12/31/world/AP-World-New-Year.html): ''The year that is ending has been difficult for everybody. No continent, no country, no sector has been spared,'' French President Nicolas Sarkozy said on national TV in a New Year's Eve address. ''Even if the tests are unfinished, 2010 will be a year of renewal,'' he added.

I could not agree more! As I look back to my life, I have noticed a pattern in the last decade and a half. The 1980s were about lets get through this cold war, and put it to an end, lets try to recover from this downturn economy from the late 1970s. The 1990s were thus a time where we actually were flourishing! Then the new millennium hit.

As a child, I didn't feel the great economic boom in the 1990s. Mom was going to school, and frankly, I was a child that was protected under my mom's care. As an adult in the first decade of the 21st century, I felt economic hardship all over the place, and the majority of it hit hard in 2009.

Fortunately, this new decade is one of hope and of renewal. 2009 was slightly better than 2010 in some cases, but much worse in others. I imagine 2010 will be financially a feasible year for me (I just hope to get all my bills paid).

Regardless of how many struggles I have been through in the last decade, or the amount of struggles I will go through in the next, they have all and will all make me a better person. I am nowhere near the same person I was in 1999, or even in 2007. I am excited to find out what life will be like in 2019... woo... I'll be 34. *Shivers*

Happy New Year Everyone!!

it's 3:45am and I have to work at 10.

Of course, I'm so worried about it, right?!

I was just thinking about the way things tend to pan out. People come and go in your life, and you don't really understand why they are there. I have many friends that I have met throughout my life that I have not quite understood their purpose. I know it's there, and I am sure if I think aobut it hard enough, I can see why I am there for them, or they are there for me, but never usually both. Beyond the philosophical reasoning, it is nice to have those great friends that you can pick up with, as if they were there yesterday, when over the last year and a half, you haven't spoken more than a few sentences to one another.

It's not to say me and this friend weren't on speaking terms, far from it. It was merely that life had caught up with us both. I was happy when we reminisced of the good ol' days, and then laughed, because that was only a year and a half ago. LOL

It's like we said when speaking, "We're in our mid to late twenties and we are remeniscing about our early to mid twenties"

Good times.


Another thing, are there true friends on the internet? Can you really have a "true friend" that you've never met in person?

I say yes. I say as long as there is that connection, as long as you have the things in common that can make you a compattable friend with another, then a "true friend" can exist via the internet. Anything more may be pushing it...that theory must wait for another time though..

Should be writing a paper

I can't seem to get myself motivated to write my 15 page paper that's due on Thursday, nor am I motivated to study for tomorrow's Econ final. Instead, I find myself distracted, in my own thoughts. I tend to go in tangents with my thoughts and can't get going on what is important in my immediate life, until I get those thoughts out. Here it goes.

Last night, I spent the night at Drew's new apartment for the third night in a row. I wasn't planning on it, but I needed to get away, for reasons I won't explain here. This past weekend, I watched him move into this new place with his best friend, Melissa. He truly has style and grace with his surroundings. He understands color, texture, shape, dimension...all of the things that normal straight men don't understand. I'm not sure why I was all that surprised, he was a theater major in college (theater tech, but still, surrounded by those that have this innate ability to coordinate).

He knows how to set the aesthetic mood...just another reason why I melt every time I look at him, and my heart almost skips a beat when he calls.

It's three months into the relationship, and I still have the same butterflies that I had in the beginning. I wonder if that's because he's truly the right someone for me, or because it's still too new. There's really no way to tell at this point, but I'm hoping it's the former.

I can imagine him reading this post and thinking "Angela, get your stuff done, I won't see you until you do" which is part of the reason I want to get this post out of the way as soon as I can. I would like to clear my thoughts, because I know that as soon as this happens, I will write my paper, with the motivation to see him again.

He told me the other night, "I want you to get through grad school, and get out there in the world, doing what you've always wanted" I feel like he truly believes in my goals, my dreams, and my aspirations. In many ways, we are in almost identical points in our lives. He's got his future in his grasp, and I am just shy of reaching mine.

With some of the previous men I have dated, I felt like I was always settling in some way,shape, or form. I don't feel like this at all with Drew. If anything, I feel lucky that I get the complete package; something I don't feel I have really ever had.

It's amazing how life can be so screwed up sometimes. When I had a job, I felt like I was finally becoming financially stable, and I was fairly low in stress, my dating life was horrible. Now it's the opposite. I really hope that within the next few months, things start to lighten up in the parts I'm lacking. I need to get a job. At this point, I don't care what it is, as long as it will allow me to pay my bills and move out of Neale's house. I also really hope that I can fulfill my conditional acceptance and pass Microeconomics in the fall with a B or better. I really feel like I finally understand this crap, and I really need to prove it to Brady, everyone else at the UMSL MPPA program, everyone who doubted me at Mizzou, and to myself. I have many people behind me, but I need more support. I need all the support I could get.

Drew helps me motivate myself everyday. He reminds me why I'm in grad school, he motivates me to push forward, and he inspires me to complete my goals. He really is my best friend...

And now for that paper...