I was curious as to whether I could search through to find my first tweet via API on twitter. It would only let me back as far as mid January. I read about a month worth and ran into my first post about the break up. I wrote that the day I could listen to "I'm movin on" by Rascal Flatts and not cry, was the day I would be ready to move forward with my life. That day came sooner than I had anticipated, however I really don't think my statement was all that accurate.
Despite the feelings of hopelessness, despair, and sadness, I have found another guy in my life (who has been there all along in fact), that really sparked my attention. He was right under my nose the whole time, and I didn't even see it until a few weeks ago.
That's good, right?! So why do I feel so guilty?
The truth is, Drew really screwed me up. We never fought or anything. In fact, it was the most mature, respectful relationship I've ever had with a man. I couldn't have asked for something more awesome than the dynamic we had with one another. We are still close friends, and I still call him from time to time for advice on something, or to bounce ideas about political things. I feel that part of me will always be connected with him.
So what's the problem?
When is it that I can feel comfortable going forward with this new guy. I like him...a lot. He is very sweet, fun to be around, and all around a nice guy. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel that he may be something I want to pursue in a more serious light, however the one thing that holds me back, that holds my heart back...is the fear.
I fear of what Drew will think of me, seeing as it's only been two months. I fear of what this guy would think of me, seeing as I am still in love with Drew. I fear of what I may think of myself, seeing as I always seem to jump from relationship to relationship, and I don't ever seem to give myself enough time to heal.
The truth is, I want to cry. I want to cry, but the whole thing makes me numb. I only feel this way when I'm alone at night. When I'm sitting here, tired, and about to go to bed. When I have time to sit and think about it. It's in the back of my mind when the new guy and I hang out, but not so far up on the list where I think about it constantly. He's got that way about him, that distracts me from those thoughts.
I don't know if he's reading this, or if he ever will (I post the link to this blog on several social networking sites), but this friend, this guy I have suddenly found in my life...I hope he knows how much he means to me...and the potential I see for the future. I hope he's patient, because I really feel so much sadness right now that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with a broken heart that I just can't seem to find all the pieces to.
When is the right time to move on? When does one say, "ok, I'm ready to move forward"? Does it have to be when you're completely over a person, or can it be sooner? I really miss Drew, the way we were. I was comfortable, happy, content. It was beyond bubbly or giddy. It was real.
I'm not saying my feelings aren't real with this new guy. They most certainly are. I am extremely happy and giddy, and every time we are around one another, I can't help but smile. That is the dynamic of a new connection though. I keep wondering when it is going to get to the point where he doesn't necessarily want to pursue it further, or when I won't. I am wondering when the giddy is going to turn to normal, and when (or if) one of us gets bored. I have such a wall up at the moment, and I am wondering what is going to have to happen for me to open up fully to this man.
Part of me really wants him to read this, maybe then he'd understand a little of where I was coming from. The other part is merely embarrassed. I can't let him see me like this! Are you kidding?!
I'm not sure. I really wish this pain would just leave for good.
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