Please Be Careful With Me...Because I'd Like To Stay That Way

I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and given that I have to work at 8:30 in the morning, I probably won't be going back to sleep anytime soon. I was thinking about the dynamics of relationships of all types. Whether they be friendships, lovers, family, or co-workers, the dynamic between two people that have not known one another on a certain level for a long period of time, really is a difficult thing to adjust to, especially if it is something that has emotionally gone from insignificant to extremely important in the minds of both parties within a relatively short amount of time.

I'm pretty much an open book. Once upon a time, however, I didn't used to be. I grew up in a family that played games. During my parent's divorce, I learned how to play both sides, by the way I was played. I was "the messenger" between my parents, and it was not a fun spot to be in. I went to a therapist, recommended and paid for by my parents, who basically taught me the skills that I have today to take what people dish, and use it to my advantage. I have a thick skin most of the time, with a lot of people.

I can talk about politics, religion, and most other controversial topics with 95% of the people in the world, and have it be ok. There can be heated discussions, and I might get excited, but I won't be offended, or mad. You can make a joke that will be considered obscene, and I may laugh, but I won't get offended. I can see the humor in things.

In the same right, however, when I love you, when I truly care about you...I will let you inside my heart, and you will be on the other side of that thick skin, in terms of my feelings. We may still be able to talk politics, you may still be able to make jokes, but there's a definite line, and I will tell you when that line is crossed.

The line is definitely crossed, more often than not, when under the influence. If I'm tired, inebriated, or even a little hormonal, I am generally the same person that I am in a normal situation, only I may take what you say a little more serious than I should.

There's an easy way to detect this situation and solve the problem quickly... 1. I may push you away. If I walk away, if I am pressed to do something that may seem out of the norms of joking, I will do it to prove a point. Don't challenge me to walk away, because I will walk. If I do walk, the best thing that can be done, is to follow, grab me, hold me, and tell me you're joking. Kiss me, hug me, do something affectionate that can show that you aren't meaning to hurt my feelings.

This isn't the first time that others don't understand my sensitivity. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a strong woman. My sensitivity comes as left field, because people think that strong willed people can't be sensitive. The problem with that theory, is that being sensitive isn't the same as being weak. In fact, it is my sensitivity to pain, and heartache that brought me to public service in the first place. I want to represent people that really can't necessarily represent themselves. Government is often there to protect those that are sensitive to the world around them, whether that be on a monetary, social, mental, or emotional level.

The main point of this blog post, is that I'm sensitive, however I'm secure within my own self. I may change a great deal within the next three years, but I will not see the world through less sensitive eyes. I'm always going to be fragile in terms of the way I see the people I truly love. The fact that I am sensitive with you, should be a compliment, because that means I've let you into the gate. You are on the inside of my thick wall, and I haven't shut you out to that level where it's impossible to get to know me on that intimate level.

Likewise, because that isn't going away, it must be respected, and not taken for granted. I think the folk/pop singer Jewel describes it perfectly...

"I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
Oh please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

........

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way" - Jewel lyrics from "I'm Sensitive"