Changing...slowly

I don't claim to be the expert on relationships, in fact...I probably could learn a lot.  I went to my therapist today, and despite the fact that I've been sad, lonely, and depressed about this whole thing with Drew, I feel like I made progress in my session and still had 15 minutes to talk about television with her.

I have to stop seeing Drew as a possibility.  He's not stable, he doesn't have the capacity to love me, and I need to move forward.  I don't know if I'll be able to ever completely get over him, but my therapist was right; I have to make a choice.  Either I have to cut him out of my life completely, or I need to befriend him, knowing that he doesn't have the ability for anything more than that, no matter what his actions may seem to show.  He's not me, he doesn't think like me, it may seem that he is showing affection when he's just being friendly.  This is the biggest realization I think I have had to come to terms with, and I don't think I'm completely there yet.

Don't worry, I'll get there.

I find myself taking his thoughts personal, as if I'm not good enough.  She says I need to stop thinking of myself in that light.  I'm not sure if I really can.  I don't have the room to cry anymore...It's almost as if I'm numb.

I feel like I'm almost there, I just need to come to terms with this....

love is a bitter thing

I've been holding in tears all day.  I used to feel completely numb from the pain that you caused me, but ever since I started talking to someone nonbiased about the situation we went through last year, I have opened that wound and now have started to bleed that pain out of my system.  It will take awhile to get over you, but I really want to get passed this.  It's not easy looking at you and thinking that you'll never care about me the way you did originally.  You say you have this complex for saving people.  Is that why we didn't last as long as the others you've dated?  You said I am stronger than you are....why can't you be stronger?  Why can't you do what you need to do to get better so we can be together?  These are the questions I have always wanted to ask you, but will never do so...because it's not worth the months of awkwardness.  I don't see you as much as I'd hope to as it is. The last thing I need is to not be able to see you at all.

You were the one who was there for me the most last year.  I can't seem to get that out of my mind.  You were the only one who spent the whole day with me on graduation day.  You spent more time with me than my family, and all of my friends.  You are my best friend, and you are the person I love more than anyone else.  I don't know how to get over you.

I can't stay focussed completely, without you entering my mind.  Even when I am able to forget, you end up in my thoughts, in my dreams, when I least expect it...and then I'm sucked in all over again.

When am I going to be free from you?! Please...stop making me think you are the only one for me.  It's making moving on very difficult.