It's that time again to get personal. I generally don't like blogging personal stuff anymore. I try to be a little more analytical and want this blog to be more of a review of my thoughts than a completely thought based blog, however sometimes I really can't help but want to write out everything I am thinking. It's therapeutic I guess.
A few weeks ago, Drew and I's relationship came to an end. We broke things off in order to focus on ourselves and our own careers. It was mutual, mostly....sort of. It was more like he broke it off, and I agreed. I didn't fight for him, I figured I couldn't change him. Every book I have read on break ups (because I have found myself reading a lot of them lately) has said to not talk tot he person for 60 days. No text, no call, no facebook, no drunk dials, no nothing. Considering he was an ex, this was difficult. Considering he's still my best friend, that is impossible. I can't even imagine not talking to my casual friends, much less the person I feel like understands me more than anyone else.
Last night, I couldn't take it anymore and I called him up, saying I had some things I needed to talk to him about. I asked if we could go somewhere to talk. He agreed. We went to Brewskeez in O'Fallon, MO, and I was very honest and forthcoming with him about everything I had been thinking. I told him that I wanted him back, and that I would accept it if he didn't feel the same way. I told him that if he didn't love me in the same way, I would accept it, but that if he was breaking up just out of fear, that he has to give me the benefit of the doubt. At that point, I had no idea which one it was. I don't think he really did either. He sat there a long time and thought about it.
It was a very big closure moment for me. As much pain as I am in at the moment, I know WHY I am in this much pain now. I have an ending to it. I know it's just going to take time now. There is one thing he did say that made it much easier. He did state that this not talking crap is indeed that....Crap. We agreed that our friendship is the most important thing at this point, and we can't afford to lose one another in that way, so the rule is...there is no rules. If I want to call him after class to talk to him bounce policy ideas off of him, I am certainly in right to do so, and if he wants to call me to get a second opinion about computer hardware or technical upgrades, I will totally give my input. As well, if we want to go shooting, or hang out in any way, we totally can.
It's stupid that unless you share a child and are forced to see one another, you aren't supposed to see or talk to your ex. That's the dumbest rule on the planet. Some friends have told me that it will be super hard to do what we want to do, but he and I both think it's worth it. Over the last few weeks, I felt like I went from being in love with a guy I thought I was going to marry, to losing him AND my best friend in the whole world. Now at least I feel like I have my best friend back.
I'm in more pain than I can even begin to describe, however I know there is an ending to that pain, eventually...and I am ready to start heading down that road to recovery. Needless to say, I won't be dating anyone, for quite some time. My heart is broken, and I need to sort the pieces out, before I start gluing them back together.
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