When we think we've focused the lenses on life

Why is it that even when one has everything else going well for them, the focus is always made on the one or two negative things that are visible in their lives? I fall victim to this time and time again. When I was with Drew, my failure was often school, or my dead end job, bumming a room off my best friend in a town west of where I really wanted to be. I did a lot of off and on focusing on how much school sucked (not all school, mainly my econ classes), and when I passed econ for the final time, my focus shifted from school, to my problems with the new boyfriend (recently turned ex), and the lack of emotional detachment from the guy before him.

Currently, I have had a new shift. I no longer have a dead end job, but the beginning of a real career in public service. I passed econ, and I am halfway through my last summer school class. I am on my way to graduating in December, and I will be able to finally say I have a Master's degree after three long years come graduation. So why is it that all I can focus on, is how lonely I am? I find myself torn between the realism side of my personality that knows I'm not ready, and the romantic side of me that just has that urge to settle down. The truth is, I don't have the resources to be ready for any man at this point. I have no money, no apartment, and most importantly, no true heart to give.

I'm torn, and for the first time in my life, I feel like it's not the men in my life that are at fault, it's me. I have this inability to be comfortable alone. It's a big fear of mine, probably the biggest. I don't fear heights, closed spaces, public speaking, flying, or any of the stereotypical things that most people fear. I fear most of all lonliness. I often think that I will be the one person left behind.. Why? Because I'm the woman that everyone says is a great catch. Someone who can find all these people to like her. I know..messed up, right?! Well, the truth is, they all do think I'm a catch at first...and then a few months roll by. They realize how dedicated to my life I am. They realize how much of my life doesn't concern them. They realize how hard core I am about all of my beliefs, even though I don't push them on others. And finally, they realize that I'm not willing to let anything in my way of my dreams, even them.

I've come up with one of three scenarios to be the reason why my theory is upheld:

1. The man I'm with at the time becomes quickly intimidated, and why shouldn't they be? Because they should be happy for me, not competing with me. Anyway...lets move on.

2. The man I'm with will want to keep up with me, but for whatever reason, can't. He's inspired by the way I conduct my life, and tries to change his own. Which is fantastic! I'm a great role model for guys who need to get their life in order...and they do..for the next girl, because they can't keep up with me.

3. The man I'm with will have his act together, will be as dedicated if not more dedicated than me, which is why we are a good match in the first place. We have the hardcore work ethic in common. Somewhere, one of us loses sight of supporting one another and becomes so dedicated that the relationship becomes the new failure.

How do I break the cycle? I'm not sure. I'm glad I inspire people, and push them to be better people. It makes me feel good inside that I can do that for someone that I care about. What I'm not glad about, is what it does to me on a personal, selfish basis. My heart is crushed...so small that it feels like I don't have much left. I'm pretty hard at this point...not really a caring bone in my body when it comes to love, and why should I? It's only going to lead to another miserable disappointment after a few months of imagined bliss.

I'm tired of being lonely...I'm tired of being heartbroken. Most of all, I'm tired of being Miss Almost Right, or Miss "Not exactly right" or even Miss "Not the right time". Almost doesn't count...not now, not ever.