2010

A new decade is upon us, and I feel compelled to talk about it.

Quoting the NY Times (http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/2009/12/31/world/AP-World-New-Year.html): ''The year that is ending has been difficult for everybody. No continent, no country, no sector has been spared,'' French President Nicolas Sarkozy said on national TV in a New Year's Eve address. ''Even if the tests are unfinished, 2010 will be a year of renewal,'' he added.

I could not agree more! As I look back to my life, I have noticed a pattern in the last decade and a half. The 1980s were about lets get through this cold war, and put it to an end, lets try to recover from this downturn economy from the late 1970s. The 1990s were thus a time where we actually were flourishing! Then the new millennium hit.

As a child, I didn't feel the great economic boom in the 1990s. Mom was going to school, and frankly, I was a child that was protected under my mom's care. As an adult in the first decade of the 21st century, I felt economic hardship all over the place, and the majority of it hit hard in 2009.

Fortunately, this new decade is one of hope and of renewal. 2009 was slightly better than 2010 in some cases, but much worse in others. I imagine 2010 will be financially a feasible year for me (I just hope to get all my bills paid).

Regardless of how many struggles I have been through in the last decade, or the amount of struggles I will go through in the next, they have all and will all make me a better person. I am nowhere near the same person I was in 1999, or even in 2007. I am excited to find out what life will be like in 2019... woo... I'll be 34. *Shivers*

Happy New Year Everyone!!

it's 3:45am and I have to work at 10.

Of course, I'm so worried about it, right?!

I was just thinking about the way things tend to pan out. People come and go in your life, and you don't really understand why they are there. I have many friends that I have met throughout my life that I have not quite understood their purpose. I know it's there, and I am sure if I think aobut it hard enough, I can see why I am there for them, or they are there for me, but never usually both. Beyond the philosophical reasoning, it is nice to have those great friends that you can pick up with, as if they were there yesterday, when over the last year and a half, you haven't spoken more than a few sentences to one another.

It's not to say me and this friend weren't on speaking terms, far from it. It was merely that life had caught up with us both. I was happy when we reminisced of the good ol' days, and then laughed, because that was only a year and a half ago. LOL

It's like we said when speaking, "We're in our mid to late twenties and we are remeniscing about our early to mid twenties"

Good times.


Another thing, are there true friends on the internet? Can you really have a "true friend" that you've never met in person?

I say yes. I say as long as there is that connection, as long as you have the things in common that can make you a compattable friend with another, then a "true friend" can exist via the internet. Anything more may be pushing it...that theory must wait for another time though..

Should be writing a paper

I can't seem to get myself motivated to write my 15 page paper that's due on Thursday, nor am I motivated to study for tomorrow's Econ final. Instead, I find myself distracted, in my own thoughts. I tend to go in tangents with my thoughts and can't get going on what is important in my immediate life, until I get those thoughts out. Here it goes.

Last night, I spent the night at Drew's new apartment for the third night in a row. I wasn't planning on it, but I needed to get away, for reasons I won't explain here. This past weekend, I watched him move into this new place with his best friend, Melissa. He truly has style and grace with his surroundings. He understands color, texture, shape, dimension...all of the things that normal straight men don't understand. I'm not sure why I was all that surprised, he was a theater major in college (theater tech, but still, surrounded by those that have this innate ability to coordinate).

He knows how to set the aesthetic mood...just another reason why I melt every time I look at him, and my heart almost skips a beat when he calls.

It's three months into the relationship, and I still have the same butterflies that I had in the beginning. I wonder if that's because he's truly the right someone for me, or because it's still too new. There's really no way to tell at this point, but I'm hoping it's the former.

I can imagine him reading this post and thinking "Angela, get your stuff done, I won't see you until you do" which is part of the reason I want to get this post out of the way as soon as I can. I would like to clear my thoughts, because I know that as soon as this happens, I will write my paper, with the motivation to see him again.

He told me the other night, "I want you to get through grad school, and get out there in the world, doing what you've always wanted" I feel like he truly believes in my goals, my dreams, and my aspirations. In many ways, we are in almost identical points in our lives. He's got his future in his grasp, and I am just shy of reaching mine.

With some of the previous men I have dated, I felt like I was always settling in some way,shape, or form. I don't feel like this at all with Drew. If anything, I feel lucky that I get the complete package; something I don't feel I have really ever had.

It's amazing how life can be so screwed up sometimes. When I had a job, I felt like I was finally becoming financially stable, and I was fairly low in stress, my dating life was horrible. Now it's the opposite. I really hope that within the next few months, things start to lighten up in the parts I'm lacking. I need to get a job. At this point, I don't care what it is, as long as it will allow me to pay my bills and move out of Neale's house. I also really hope that I can fulfill my conditional acceptance and pass Microeconomics in the fall with a B or better. I really feel like I finally understand this crap, and I really need to prove it to Brady, everyone else at the UMSL MPPA program, everyone who doubted me at Mizzou, and to myself. I have many people behind me, but I need more support. I need all the support I could get.

Drew helps me motivate myself everyday. He reminds me why I'm in grad school, he motivates me to push forward, and he inspires me to complete my goals. He really is my best friend...

And now for that paper...

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

Most of that ceremony tore me to pieces. I don't ever usually cry over anything Al Sharpton says, however when he said "To Michael's Children: There wasn't anything strange about your daddy. What was strange was what he had to deal with" it really made me ball.

I cried because I can't imagine the pain he had suffered. A lot of people said he was messed up in the head. I believe he was a misguided soul with good intensions and a good heart. He had pain from his childhood, that haunted him his whole life. Though his career was successful and amazing, it robbed him of his childhood, and often caused him as an adult to regress back to a child-like state.

Beyond the musical talents that he posessed, he always cared about other people. You could hear it in his songs, you could see it in his charity towards others, and you could understand it through his person, even if you didn't know him up close.

The memorial today was very tasteful as well as beautiful. I broke down when Paris Jackson, his only daughter spoke but a few words, breaking down and crying, because I know she loved her father, much like I loved mine. Those of you that have never had a parent die on you, it feels like a hole has been ripped out of you. A chunk of you is missing, and will never be recovered, until the day when you will meet again. It feels like a piece of you had died as well. I understand her pain, and I really wish she had not had to go through that pain so early in life.

Rest in Peace, Michael Joseph Jackson, King of Pop, Greatest Entertainer of all time!

Is it really change, or is it just realization of who we were the whole time?

I have been looking at econ notes for several hours. My anxiety of last year feels like it is coming back, but I am looking at it this time in a completely different perspective. I have changed completely over the past year. From a girl who was naive, depressed, tired, to one that feels intelligent, loved, and one who has the inspiration and perseverance to make it through anything.

After Dad died, I lapsed for a couple months. I fell completely in love with a man that seemed right for me in almost every way. The almost part came from my place in life at the time. I really hope he's happy with his new girlfriend. She seems really great for him...much like Drew is for me. Even though we didn't work out, he definitely taught me what a real, adult relationship is really like. I felt like in the 5 or so months we were on, and off, and on again...I really learned how to be the best girlfriend I could. The problem was all timing. I had too much on my plate....most of which had to do with my emotions over my recently deceased father. He helped me grieve through that, and among everything else, he taught me what a dedicated, hopeful, intelligent, traditional man would be like. Much of the features he had, I went out looking for, and eventually found in Drew. I have this man I briefly dated for that.

Drew, really is the complete package for me. I wake up everyday feeling lucky that I even found someone who really understands me the way he does. I was talking to Neale the other day about the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship. How long it lasts, what are the effects, and what it really consists of. I think we determined that the length of time of "honeymoon" stage depends on the two people involved combined with their experiences, and the stage itself consists of spontaneity combined with a certain sense of newness and a healthy dose of idealism.

As our schedules have become more synchronized, I have noticed the closeness is unlike anything I've previously experienced. Normally, in relationships, I have found myself quickly jumping into something serious with the man I was with at the time, only to lose sight of the obvious trivial differences that a few months down the road would cause pot holes and an awfully bumpy ride down to an eventual ending of the relationship.

I found myself walking into my current relationship with a very different perspective. My head seemed to be perfectly level on my shoulders, and my feet were planted securely on the ground. In fact, I didn't think much about the first date, prior to it's conception. After meeting him, I was completely amazed as to the kind of man he seemed to be. Eight hours we spent on that first date, getting to know one another, and another six hours on the second date, nearly 24 hours later. Within that one weekend, I had been made aware of a man that never in a thousand years believed would have existed. Of course, I wasn't 100 percent sure that what I had anticipated about Drew was indeed the case.

After being with him for a few months, making time out at least three times or more a week, talking almost every night, and really getting to know his inner self, a curiosity, turned instant attraction has evolved into a love beyond anything I could have previously imagined.

I am not going to say that we are exactly alike. Someone exactly like me, I've learned is both impractical, and unlikely to be a formula for success. Instead, I've learned that what makes for a great match between lovers, is enough differences to make for great conversation and appeal, mutual respect of those differences, and a commonality in morals, desires in one another, some interests that both people can relate to, and amazing dedication & honesty. This doesn't begin to touch the surface as to why I think this relationship is different than anything else I've experienced prior, and why I feel that this man is really someone I can see a future with.

I want so badly to get fully accepted (beyond this conditional acceptance), finish my graduate degree, and break into city management. Every time I see Drew with his business partners, Gabe & Dan, testing equipment in the warehouse, talking about upcoming gigs, and their goals for the next few months, I become extremely inspired. He's doing exactly what he wanted to do with his life. His dream job is sustaining itself, and it's one client away from sustaining him and his partners as well. He's got his dream in the palm of his hand, and he's just working out the minor details. He inspires me to really work for what I want in life for myself, and for us together.

He will be going to Cincinnati, OH this week starting on Thursday, and won't be back until Monday. Conveniently, I will be studying for my very stressful microeconomics midterm for Monday night's class. I think it's quite hilarious how he seems to go out of town at the perfect times. It's like we plan it that way, but there's no way we really could, honestly.

Beyond everything else, Drew really pushes me to be the best Angela I could possibly be. He makes me feel beautiful, every time I see him. The best part about all of this, is that he's so incredibly modest. He doesn't realize how great he is, so he has no reason to be cocky about it.

....totally thought this post was going to be about school. guess I went off topic.

Frustrations of a Calla Lily

On our first date, Drew gave me beautiful purple and white Calla Lily's potted in plant form. He said that he knew those were my favorite flower and wanted me to enjoy them as long as possible. Unfortunately, I live in a house that is well controlled in terms of climate and is thus almost never humid. The breed of Calla Lily that he gave me were Zantedescia which are from South Africa. They are used to a humid soil. I have had several buds multiply but then die over the last month and a half and I've almost given up. I'm going to see if watering it twice a day will help.

Econ is driving me crazy. I understand it, but I didn't do so well on the last homework assignment, mainly because I made stupid mistakes and second guessed myself. This is why I am going to make an effort to work on my studies tomorrow. I need to read through these chapters and really make sure I have a solid understanding of it before the midterm.

Drew is meeting the fam this weekend. On Saturday, I plan on being in the St. Charles, MO Fourth of July parade. I have to be downtown by 7:30am (UUUUGH) and drive a go-cart (YAY). After that, we are going to make an appearance at my sister's house where her, my brother in law, mom, kellene, and the kids (with tons of extended family and in-laws family that will also be there). From there, I told Linda (my other sister), that we would stop by for a few. It should be good times. I can't wait for them to meet him. I really hope they all like him as much as I do.

Well...I suppose it is time for bed. Night

Birdie needs to earn her wings....

In terms of my life...I have been falling for awhile, and I couldn't seem to get back up. I kept planning alternate routes in order to make myself adjust to this completely different life than what I had planned two years ago. In my 24th year of life, I never expected to be here, still in school. I thought surely by now I would be on my way to a job that would make me happy, or at least would set the path to that happiness. All I ever want to do in life is to make a difference in the world around me. I never expected I would have to take another step back, because I already feel like I have taken several as it is. The whole process makes me tired, which is why I tend to want to sleep instead of getting my readings done.

It is because of you, that I feel my life has changed. You told me tonight that I need to shape up, that I need to take that step back in order to take the path back to my stability, back to my freedom. I need to take that step back in order to free myself from the problems in my life. You seem to have a way with saying things to me where it really hits me hard enough for me to take it in, and that is one of the many reasons why I care for you so much.

I feel like we share similar struggles in life. We both have high aspirations, and deep goals...yet not deep pockets. It feels great to have such respect for someone who gives that respect back, and doesn't make me feel ashamed to have to take that step back to a job similar to one I had at the age of 17, and again at the age of 21. Even if I feel ashamed myself.

More than anything--when I feel like giving up, when my pride gets in the way, and when I just can't bring myself to get past my own fear-- you understand me. You remind me of the horizon, and the struggle that I am fighting for. You always have a way of helping me get past my pride, because you get me better than my friends, my family, and tonight--myself. Thank you... I teared up when we talked, because I know that you don't just hear me when we have those conversations....you really do listen, and sometimes...that's all I really need.

Thank you!

Birdie

Life....

Last November, after three short weeks, my father passed away. He had a stroke, after a regulatory surgery. Diabetes ...killed him.

Months later, I still haven't really gotten through it. I have been invited back to graduate school (on conditional acceptance again), I have gotten a great job, lost it, and have moved out of my mother's house and into one of my best friend's houses. I believe that a lot of my struggle has happened because of my father, and my struggle in living without him.

Of course, they say you're never without the ones you lose, regardless of whether or not there is a heaven, you see the person in yourself through your personality and such, which is true. The truth, however, is that I can't really talk to myself, the way I talk to my father. I can't argue with myself, the way I did with my dad. I can't hug myself, I can't do all those things and more.

I feel like something in me, died along with him, that I can never get back. There's a permanent hole in my heart that I can't seem to fill.

About the only thing I can think of that has happened in the last month or so that I can really feel good about, is that I have found support in my friends, as well as the boyfriend I have most recently started dating. He's definitely someone I can call a special part of my life. I only hope, he lasts longer than the last few have. I honestly can say I am a little scared of this relationship, because I haven't been a publicly known "girlfriend" (yeah never mind what that means if you don't understand completely) in over a year, and I haven't been one in this fashion in about three years, so I have almost forgotten what it's like to even think of someone else on a daily, or even weekly basis. Then again, he seems very confident that I will make him happy, and thus far, he's made me very happy as well.

I think, my biggest fear, is that the depression obtained from my father's death, will keep affecting my relationships with people around me. I have usually been able to handle this in the past, but it's different when the deceased is a parent. It's something that someone in their early 20's should not yet experience. It's something that is not expected before a woman is married, before she has children. I have great jealousy towards my sister, because she has the memories of my father walking her down the aisle, holding her children, and being a grandfather to them. MY children, if they look anything like me, will also look like my father. I will not get to see the look on his face, when holding his grandchild, that strangely resembles him. I will not be able to experience the famous father/daughter dance, that I had dreamed of as a little girl.

I feel like I wasted a lot of time, worrying about that day when I was 11. I wasted time not forgiving him and moving on, being mad at him. I wasted time, waiting until I was an adult to understand his perspective. I wasted time, not telling him how I felt, even when he asked for forgiveness. By the time I told him the truth of my fears, it was just two days later that he had the stroke. Thinking about it makes me cry, even today. I don't get this way a lot, it used to be daily. Just after the funeral, it seemed like there wasn't a day that went by where I wasn't thinking of him, crying over him, mourning his death, grieving my loss. Now, I can go weeks without really feeling like I am depressed. The problem, is that when this feeling comes into action, I can't really stop it. Nothing really seems to bring it on, beyond...memories.

I still hear his voice very crisp in my mind. For awhile, shortly after the funeral, I even felt like I was seeing him. I would think he's there in my dreams, and have to double take people when I was awake. I felt very...not normal.

Now, whenever I hear Beethoven, I cry...whenever I think of politics, part of me aches inside, as much as I still love it. Whenever I argue politics with my "extreme" friends (libertarians) I feel a slight queasiness in my stomach, from the pain of losing my father.

I wake up everyday, and look in the mirror. I stare at the 3/4ths of my face that is my father. If I look too long, I start to see the old man in the hospital bed, the one I saw every day for three weeks, the one that would keep putting up the big fight, and the one that eventually I found myself crying on that early morning of November 12th, 2008.

I miss him, and I am really not sure how to handle this, when to handle this, who to handle this with, or when I can stop handling this. I wish there was more I could say, more I could do....

Dad...I miss you...