When we think we've focused the lenses on life

Why is it that even when one has everything else going well for them, the focus is always made on the one or two negative things that are visible in their lives? I fall victim to this time and time again. When I was with Drew, my failure was often school, or my dead end job, bumming a room off my best friend in a town west of where I really wanted to be. I did a lot of off and on focusing on how much school sucked (not all school, mainly my econ classes), and when I passed econ for the final time, my focus shifted from school, to my problems with the new boyfriend (recently turned ex), and the lack of emotional detachment from the guy before him.

Currently, I have had a new shift. I no longer have a dead end job, but the beginning of a real career in public service. I passed econ, and I am halfway through my last summer school class. I am on my way to graduating in December, and I will be able to finally say I have a Master's degree after three long years come graduation. So why is it that all I can focus on, is how lonely I am? I find myself torn between the realism side of my personality that knows I'm not ready, and the romantic side of me that just has that urge to settle down. The truth is, I don't have the resources to be ready for any man at this point. I have no money, no apartment, and most importantly, no true heart to give.

I'm torn, and for the first time in my life, I feel like it's not the men in my life that are at fault, it's me. I have this inability to be comfortable alone. It's a big fear of mine, probably the biggest. I don't fear heights, closed spaces, public speaking, flying, or any of the stereotypical things that most people fear. I fear most of all lonliness. I often think that I will be the one person left behind.. Why? Because I'm the woman that everyone says is a great catch. Someone who can find all these people to like her. I know..messed up, right?! Well, the truth is, they all do think I'm a catch at first...and then a few months roll by. They realize how dedicated to my life I am. They realize how much of my life doesn't concern them. They realize how hard core I am about all of my beliefs, even though I don't push them on others. And finally, they realize that I'm not willing to let anything in my way of my dreams, even them.

I've come up with one of three scenarios to be the reason why my theory is upheld:

1. The man I'm with at the time becomes quickly intimidated, and why shouldn't they be? Because they should be happy for me, not competing with me. Anyway...lets move on.

2. The man I'm with will want to keep up with me, but for whatever reason, can't. He's inspired by the way I conduct my life, and tries to change his own. Which is fantastic! I'm a great role model for guys who need to get their life in order...and they do..for the next girl, because they can't keep up with me.

3. The man I'm with will have his act together, will be as dedicated if not more dedicated than me, which is why we are a good match in the first place. We have the hardcore work ethic in common. Somewhere, one of us loses sight of supporting one another and becomes so dedicated that the relationship becomes the new failure.

How do I break the cycle? I'm not sure. I'm glad I inspire people, and push them to be better people. It makes me feel good inside that I can do that for someone that I care about. What I'm not glad about, is what it does to me on a personal, selfish basis. My heart is crushed...so small that it feels like I don't have much left. I'm pretty hard at this point...not really a caring bone in my body when it comes to love, and why should I? It's only going to lead to another miserable disappointment after a few months of imagined bliss.

I'm tired of being lonely...I'm tired of being heartbroken. Most of all, I'm tired of being Miss Almost Right, or Miss "Not exactly right" or even Miss "Not the right time". Almost doesn't count...not now, not ever.

I've Given Up

I have given up on a lot of things this week, beginning with trying to update this in a constructive, objective manner, instead of turning it into a collection of thoughts. Whatever... don't judge me.

The second thing I'm Jaded about is men. Not as friends, not as acquaintances, or even as really awesome people to talk/flirt with. I'm jaded with the process of dating them. Let me reiterate... DATING SUCKS!!!

Some of you may think that this might end up being a rant about ex's...like most women do, frankly...I like the last two Ex's too much to really do that, and the ones before that can kiss my... (ok constructive, Angela...constructive)

I'm just tired of the "getting to know you" part. The "interview" crap that makes you closer to a person. It just seems that every time that happens, I spill my heart out, I let everything out there, and then within a year, it blows up in my face because of something I always miss.

Well...Good time to focus on my new job with the Federal Government and my last semester and a half of school.

The third thing I'm Jaded about.. Bad Dreams. I haven't had much sleep in the last few nights, and it's because I've had dreams both with pictures of the last two exs..and my father in my head. Why my father? Because for some reason, my subconscious recognizes this time of year as to be close to Father's Day..

This will be Father's Day number two without Dad..and frankly, it's killing me. I'm sad all the time, and all I want to do is call him and tell him about my new career opportunity I will be swearing into on Monday. I know he'd be proud of me, but I miss hearing it from him.

I can still remember his voice as vivid as if I heard it yesterday. I wish I could repeat it out loud, or record it in a way.

*sighs* There's no easy way to get this out of my head.

My biggest worry is Sunday. I'll be ok until then, but I'm sure all of my friends are either spending time with their fathers or are spending time with their kids (because they are fathers themselves). I fully intend on visiting his grave, but afterwards, I fully intend on doing something to take my mind off of it, and I really don't know if I can do that alone. I can't wait until Monday when I start my new job, but I am dreading the day before... :(

Please Be Careful With Me...Because I'd Like To Stay That Way

I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, and given that I have to work at 8:30 in the morning, I probably won't be going back to sleep anytime soon. I was thinking about the dynamics of relationships of all types. Whether they be friendships, lovers, family, or co-workers, the dynamic between two people that have not known one another on a certain level for a long period of time, really is a difficult thing to adjust to, especially if it is something that has emotionally gone from insignificant to extremely important in the minds of both parties within a relatively short amount of time.

I'm pretty much an open book. Once upon a time, however, I didn't used to be. I grew up in a family that played games. During my parent's divorce, I learned how to play both sides, by the way I was played. I was "the messenger" between my parents, and it was not a fun spot to be in. I went to a therapist, recommended and paid for by my parents, who basically taught me the skills that I have today to take what people dish, and use it to my advantage. I have a thick skin most of the time, with a lot of people.

I can talk about politics, religion, and most other controversial topics with 95% of the people in the world, and have it be ok. There can be heated discussions, and I might get excited, but I won't be offended, or mad. You can make a joke that will be considered obscene, and I may laugh, but I won't get offended. I can see the humor in things.

In the same right, however, when I love you, when I truly care about you...I will let you inside my heart, and you will be on the other side of that thick skin, in terms of my feelings. We may still be able to talk politics, you may still be able to make jokes, but there's a definite line, and I will tell you when that line is crossed.

The line is definitely crossed, more often than not, when under the influence. If I'm tired, inebriated, or even a little hormonal, I am generally the same person that I am in a normal situation, only I may take what you say a little more serious than I should.

There's an easy way to detect this situation and solve the problem quickly... 1. I may push you away. If I walk away, if I am pressed to do something that may seem out of the norms of joking, I will do it to prove a point. Don't challenge me to walk away, because I will walk. If I do walk, the best thing that can be done, is to follow, grab me, hold me, and tell me you're joking. Kiss me, hug me, do something affectionate that can show that you aren't meaning to hurt my feelings.

This isn't the first time that others don't understand my sensitivity. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a strong woman. My sensitivity comes as left field, because people think that strong willed people can't be sensitive. The problem with that theory, is that being sensitive isn't the same as being weak. In fact, it is my sensitivity to pain, and heartache that brought me to public service in the first place. I want to represent people that really can't necessarily represent themselves. Government is often there to protect those that are sensitive to the world around them, whether that be on a monetary, social, mental, or emotional level.

The main point of this blog post, is that I'm sensitive, however I'm secure within my own self. I may change a great deal within the next three years, but I will not see the world through less sensitive eyes. I'm always going to be fragile in terms of the way I see the people I truly love. The fact that I am sensitive with you, should be a compliment, because that means I've let you into the gate. You are on the inside of my thick wall, and I haven't shut you out to that level where it's impossible to get to know me on that intimate level.

Likewise, because that isn't going away, it must be respected, and not taken for granted. I think the folk/pop singer Jewel describes it perfectly...

"I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
Oh please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.

........

I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way" - Jewel lyrics from "I'm Sensitive"

I swear posts will not always be this personal

Eventually I'll have to write something in here of substance.. other than my own woah is me life. But until I have the time to sit and think about something else...here I am..struggling to get it all together...and you, my lovely readers get to suffer. Who knows..I may not be making anyone suffer. Maybe people gloss over it...or maybe when I send it out to twitter nobody really even clicks it.

In that case, I'd be almost relieved...sort of.

I'm in a half melancholy mood tonight. Not really for any particular reason.. mostly because of hormones...that have been going crazy lately.

You see, I had this problem in my late teens of menstruating too frequently. Literally one week on one week off. I've been off BC since I was 19...it's been relatively normal. This is the second month it's slipped up, and I need to get it taken care of.

No worries...I'll get it taken care of. I'm afraid it will take another pap though, and if that's the case...I have 300 dollars to my name..and 300 dollars in bills to pay this month. *sighness* That means asking the mother for money....

I guess that's where it leads me to right now. I am 24 years old, living with my best guy friend..turned surrogate older brother.. and I can't even give myself the basic essentials that I need to survive.

Ouch... talk about a kick in the pride...

The problem is I need a job. The job I have, I haven't been working much of lately, in order to find more time to study for econ. My test is a week from this Tuesday..and I'm scared Shitless. I need something to push me...something to tell me that I'm capable. Given recent events, I don't think calling up the Ex and asking him as a friend to push me, motivate me the way he used to...is going to happen. I'm pretty sure I'm the last person he wants to talk to at this point, but oh could I use someone to push me. To tell me that they truly think I am cut out for this...

Sometimes...I really doubt myself...and it's hard. It's hard to stay motivated, when all I want to do is break down.

I just need to get over this hump...and try not to get down.

I really thought I'd have more to say here... I guess it's just a quiet night.

Is there a right way to move forward?

I always get philosophical in the wee hours of the morning/late night. On the one hand, I am falling asleep at my computer. On the other hand, I have these thoughts going through my head, and I would prefer to not have another nightmare, so here I am, on what is supposed to be my objective blog, but ends up being my expression of deep thoughts...at least for tonight.

I was curious as to whether I could search through to find my first tweet via API on twitter. It would only let me back as far as mid January. I read about a month worth and ran into my first post about the break up. I wrote that the day I could listen to "I'm movin on" by Rascal Flatts and not cry, was the day I would be ready to move forward with my life. That day came sooner than I had anticipated, however I really don't think my statement was all that accurate.

Despite the feelings of hopelessness, despair, and sadness, I have found another guy in my life (who has been there all along in fact), that really sparked my attention. He was right under my nose the whole time, and I didn't even see it until a few weeks ago.

That's good, right?! So why do I feel so guilty?

The truth is, Drew really screwed me up. We never fought or anything. In fact, it was the most mature, respectful relationship I've ever had with a man. I couldn't have asked for something more awesome than the dynamic we had with one another. We are still close friends, and I still call him from time to time for advice on something, or to bounce ideas about political things. I feel that part of me will always be connected with him.

So what's the problem?

When is it that I can feel comfortable going forward with this new guy. I like him...a lot. He is very sweet, fun to be around, and all around a nice guy. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel that he may be something I want to pursue in a more serious light, however the one thing that holds me back, that holds my heart back...is the fear.

I fear of what Drew will think of me, seeing as it's only been two months. I fear of what this guy would think of me, seeing as I am still in love with Drew. I fear of what I may think of myself, seeing as I always seem to jump from relationship to relationship, and I don't ever seem to give myself enough time to heal.

The truth is, I want to cry. I want to cry, but the whole thing makes me numb. I only feel this way when I'm alone at night. When I'm sitting here, tired, and about to go to bed. When I have time to sit and think about it. It's in the back of my mind when the new guy and I hang out, but not so far up on the list where I think about it constantly. He's got that way about him, that distracts me from those thoughts.

I don't know if he's reading this, or if he ever will (I post the link to this blog on several social networking sites), but this friend, this guy I have suddenly found in my life...I hope he knows how much he means to me...and the potential I see for the future. I hope he's patient, because I really feel so much sadness right now that has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with a broken heart that I just can't seem to find all the pieces to.

When is the right time to move on? When does one say, "ok, I'm ready to move forward"? Does it have to be when you're completely over a person, or can it be sooner? I really miss Drew, the way we were. I was comfortable, happy, content. It was beyond bubbly or giddy. It was real.

I'm not saying my feelings aren't real with this new guy. They most certainly are. I am extremely happy and giddy, and every time we are around one another, I can't help but smile. That is the dynamic of a new connection though. I keep wondering when it is going to get to the point where he doesn't necessarily want to pursue it further, or when I won't. I am wondering when the giddy is going to turn to normal, and when (or if) one of us gets bored. I have such a wall up at the moment, and I am wondering what is going to have to happen for me to open up fully to this man.

Part of me really wants him to read this, maybe then he'd understand a little of where I was coming from. The other part is merely embarrassed. I can't let him see me like this! Are you kidding?!

I'm not sure. I really wish this pain would just leave for good.

It's amazing how one perspective really changes you

I was pulled over today by a Ladue police officer on Highway 40 going west towards 270.  He ended up chewing me out, asking me what on earth I was doing on my phone while driving.  I didn't have a good answer from him.

He continued to chew me out worse than my own parents (and trust me, mine are killer), and all I could think was, "I honestly want to cry". 

I am really surprised by both how much the police officer actually sewed to care about his job and the safety of others as well as how I seemed to really take what he said to heart.  I am not what you would call a strict follower of rules of the road, but I generally don't drive dangerously, however this is one area where I slipped up and this policeman helped me see the error of my ways.

Why aren't more policeman like this?  I truly think that if a policeman yelled at me like that when I was speeding it would be much more effective than going me a ticket.  I know, that sounds like I am trying to get out of having to pay a fine, and part of me is, but a bigger part of me just does not see the point of the fine.  There is so much time in between actually getting the ticket and paying it (even more time if you get a lawyer to take care of it), that by the time you do (or I do in this case) the feeling of regret is gone.  But having someone yell at me like that an make me feel super guilty?! I don't think I could do it again.

I might text at a red light, or use voice e activation, but I won't text and drive again.  Thanks to that Ladue police officer. 

Location : 15400 Millrun Ct, Chesterfield, MO 63017,

The New Dork

I feel like a complete dork for posting this, but it fits me so well!!!

So this guy talked to me on OKC.....

I have nothing to say beyond the text of the actual IM conversation that went on. I thought it was hilarious and I wanted to show you guys what he said:

JoeStLouis:If I told you I was God would you pray to me?

JoeStLouis:Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!

AngBird:say yes to what?

JoeStLouis:No idea. You're the first person I've tried that BS on

AngBird:wow... lol that was actually kinda funny

JoeStLouis:Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

AngBird:wow.... clearly someone has put WAYYYYY too much thought into this

AngBird:mad props on the originality and the extremely drawn out story

AngBird:but no thanks...

JoeStLouis:linesthataregood.com

AngBird:I hope it works on someone for you though..that was quite humorous.

JoeStLouis:copy paste....duh

#TweetsByReceipts

THE TALE OF SIX RECEIPTS!!!!!

I was scheduled for work today at 6:30AM!!! UGH how boring! What's worse is that I FORGOT MY PHONE! Ok... I am not one to really screw around at work. I work very hard, but at the Kaldi's station in my store, it gets boring, and frankly...nobody comes by there, except at lunch. In which case..I work REALLY hard.

No tweeting for me today, which made me sad, until I found a pen, and realized that there was ample amount of receipt paper. This is when I decided to start writing down my tweets that I would post later. I called them #TweetsByReceipts. I won't post up here, but if you want to read them, you can look at the pictures of the receipts. There were a TON of them (80 something). But I did post them all up on my stream and got very great reviews back! Including the following:

So here are the receipts of the posts I made:

So that is the end of this story. It was very much TONS of fun.. Now it's time for a nap!

My Cheese has been moved again.

It's that time again to get personal. I generally don't like blogging personal stuff anymore. I try to be a little more analytical and want this blog to be more of a review of my thoughts than a completely thought based blog, however sometimes I really can't help but want to write out everything I am thinking. It's therapeutic I guess.

A few weeks ago, Drew and I's relationship came to an end. We broke things off in order to focus on ourselves and our own careers. It was mutual, mostly....sort of. It was more like he broke it off, and I agreed. I didn't fight for him, I figured I couldn't change him. Every book I have read on break ups (because I have found myself reading a lot of them lately) has said to not talk tot he person for 60 days. No text, no call, no facebook, no drunk dials, no nothing. Considering he was an ex, this was difficult. Considering he's still my best friend, that is impossible. I can't even imagine not talking to my casual friends, much less the person I feel like understands me more than anyone else.

Last night, I couldn't take it anymore and I called him up, saying I had some things I needed to talk to him about. I asked if we could go somewhere to talk. He agreed. We went to Brewskeez in O'Fallon, MO, and I was very honest and forthcoming with him about everything I had been thinking. I told him that I wanted him back, and that I would accept it if he didn't feel the same way. I told him that if he didn't love me in the same way, I would accept it, but that if he was breaking up just out of fear, that he has to give me the benefit of the doubt. At that point, I had no idea which one it was. I don't think he really did either. He sat there a long time and thought about it.

It was a very big closure moment for me. As much pain as I am in at the moment, I know WHY I am in this much pain now. I have an ending to it. I know it's just going to take time now. There is one thing he did say that made it much easier. He did state that this not talking crap is indeed that....Crap. We agreed that our friendship is the most important thing at this point, and we can't afford to lose one another in that way, so the rule is...there is no rules. If I want to call him after class to talk to him bounce policy ideas off of him, I am certainly in right to do so, and if he wants to call me to get a second opinion about computer hardware or technical upgrades, I will totally give my input. As well, if we want to go shooting, or hang out in any way, we totally can.

It's stupid that unless you share a child and are forced to see one another, you aren't supposed to see or talk to your ex. That's the dumbest rule on the planet. Some friends have told me that it will be super hard to do what we want to do, but he and I both think it's worth it. Over the last few weeks, I felt like I went from being in love with a guy I thought I was going to marry, to losing him AND my best friend in the whole world. Now at least I feel like I have my best friend back.

I'm in more pain than I can even begin to describe, however I know there is an ending to that pain, eventually...and I am ready to start heading down that road to recovery. Needless to say, I won't be dating anyone, for quite some time. My heart is broken, and I need to sort the pieces out, before I start gluing them back together.